EP 18 | When You’re Told “Que No Sirves Para Nada”

In Episode 18 of Deep Divin', we’re getting real about those classic “que no sirves para nada” vibes we grew up with, and how they kept us from expressing our emotions and creativity. Let’s face it, in many Latino households, emotional or artistic expression was basically a no-go zone.

Brenda opens up about her experience as the parentified child in an immigrant family—yup, the one who basically became the mini-parent, responsible for everything. She’s unpacking that load now and working to break free from the emotional chain it left. (Shoutout to our therapist sources, who say that being the “parentified child” can seriously impact our emotional growth and lead to lifelong feelings of responsibility overload.)

Meanwhile, Nancy shares what it was like growing up as the youngest—constantly brushed off, not taken seriously, and barely given room to explore her creativity or emotions. Imagination was her playground and a way to escape the limits placed on her. Now, she’s finding her voice and sees herself on the path to becoming a public speaker.

We’re also celebrating how we’re rediscovering our creative sides. Brenda’s diving into writing and poetry (thank you, The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron), while Nancy embraces her vision of taking the stage as a speaker.

Join us as we share our stories, laughs, and insights on the journey to embracing who we are, chains and all. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram and subscribe to our YouTube channel for more real talk and behind-the-scenes magic.

Keywords: Latino Culture, Parentified Child, Creative Expression, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Healing, Rediscovering Creativity, The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron, Breaking Cultural Chains, Self-Discovery

Hashtags: #QueNoSirvesParaNada #LatinoHealing #LatinaCreatives #TheArtistsWay #ParentifiedChild #RediscoverCreativity #LatinaPodcast #EmotionalHealing #CulturalChains #FindingYourVoice

Transcript

EP 18 | When You're Told Que No Sirves Para Nada

 Hey guys! Welcome to the Deep Dive In podcast with Nancy and Brenda. And we are back, baby. Mhm. Wow. Well, a lot of emotions. A lot of feelings. A lot of life. A lot of life has been going on lately. Yeah. And you know what I feel like it's I feel it like that. Like across the world. You know why. Yeah. Like, I just feel like a lot of, like, people are just going through a lot of things. Yeah. Like, emotionally wise and stuff like that. I agree. Well, they do say when one person feels it, it's like the whole world is feeling it also. That's true. Therefore, we are all connected. Mhm. Dun dun dun dun dun dun. Yeah I feel like, I feel like I don't like there's a you. It's funny because I could say like I don't really talk to people, I mean I do that's what I do for a living is talk to people but not really like in a deep emotional level. Yeah, it's very rare when I have conversations or that I'm in a room with people that are open to have deep conversations, and I have yet to attract them to me, or the universe is yet to. Or maybe we're working on it. So I don't know. I just it's just how it feels. Yeah. How like the state of. Of the world. Yeah. Yeah. But I know expression is a big, important thing when it comes to ourselves and, like, being aligned with who we are expressing ourselves. Yeah, that is what I wanted to talk about today. Right. For us on this episode was expression and expressing ourselves and really just mainly because expression has been a huge theme for me lately. And it got me to thinking the shower is my thinking room. Um, it got me to think about how, you know, we hear people say like, express yourself and like, be who you are. And but it's much harder than like, it's that whatever people say, like it's easier said than done, right? Right. And so I got to thinking of, you know, our expression and how is it that we expressed ourselves when we were little? So, you know, and then leading up to now, in our lives and how we're truly just trying to figure out how to express ourselves. But it's a natural thing that we were born with, if you think about it, a baby expresses themselves no matter what. They cry, they'll do whatever they need to do to get your attention. They were expressed. Yeah. And you stay in that condition or in that condition. But you still cry and you do you see? Yeah. You still cry for the attention. Yeah. Like I want to feel love. I still throw a tantrum. We still don't know how to communicate. We still like play the quiet game. We still do all of those things. Yes. It's just on a different like level, right? Yeah. So I so, so growing up for you. Yeah. How was it like your expression, how how did you express yourself in life when you were younger? I honestly don't feel I had much room to express myself when I was younger. So when I was younger I was a I was the youngest of three. And so like, my brother's six years older than me and then my sister's six years, six years older than him. So whatever that gap was, yeah. So I was the youngest in the household. Um, therefore, I don't think I was able to express myself much because I was always shut down, like, shut up, Nancy. Like you're just the little kid. You don't know shit. So I thought about this when you're like, oh, that's a good topic, right? Yeah. And I was thinking about this. I was I even started writing my journal because I'm like, wait, how did I express myself when I was little? Yeah. And then I started thinking about it and I'm like, oh, well, I didn't really have, like, I wasn't really able to express myself because of that. Um, a lot of times, like. Me and my brother would fight a lot. And you know, if I would cry or heard her or something. It was just like, suck it up. Or like, if I would cry, like my mom sometimes would be like, what does you do? And then I would get I would get in trouble. Yeah. Because I was fucking crying and like, you know. So it was, it was in, um, I don't think I had much room for expression. And I think, I think that's why it's very hard for me to express. That's why I stay enclosed or like to yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So emotionally expression was not available for you have a creative expression. So that's one thing that actually came up for me was I was as a child I was or as a kid I was very I was very into like my imagination. I used to like to break apart things. I used to like to draw and paint and, um, I, I would make up shit, you know, like, I made a rocket ship one day, like it was some, like, I would, I would be very much into imagination. And I think obviously it comes with trying to find a place for myself in that environment where I didn't have a place for myself, and I was trying to find a place for myself by going into my imagination. So up until up until I was 12, I was the youngest in my household. Um, and then my little brother was born. So obviously the attention turned to him. Um, and then from 12 on, like at 12, I was still very much a kid. Yeah. Um, like, I was, I was, I was, I was still playing outside, like, I was still like, you know, doing kid stuff. Not like 12 year olds now. Yeah. Not like 12 years old, like. Yeah. No, not at all. So I was pretty much I was, I was I, I've always been like, uh, ever since or throughout that time, my teenage years. Like, I was always like, still a kid. It wasn't until I was 15 when I started working at Chuck-e-cheese and discovered older people just three years later. Yeah, that and that changed the trajectory of my life, I feel. But but in the in that from till 12 years old. How is the youngest? And that's why I feel like I didn't really have a place for expression, because there is other people. Like I would watch whatever, you know, my mom would have watch or whoever was like, whoever was in charge. I was never in charge of the TV because I was always the little one. Yeah, right. So nobody was going to let me watch whatever I wanted to go. Back then there was no freaking tablets or whatever. Yeah, like iPads and stuff. So I just had to watch, like, whatever my mom put on, which has all the novellas. And then my sister would watch like MTV and like my brother would watch, like all the gangster movies. And so, I mean, don't get me wrong, like, I now that I, that I look at it, it was pretty cool kind of having the different like, you know, like having the different genres or just different things that I grew up with. But yeah, it was never really, uh, it was never really me having the space to express myself, and I don't because I didn't even know how. Yeah. Nobody told you about it. Yeah. Like, how are you still right. Yeah. Yeah. Like I was like, imagine, right. Like imagine my parents would be like, oh, do you need, like, something? Yeah. Art supplies and paint for, like, my mom would fucking bitch at this with the supplies she had to buy for school or like. Oh, now we tell the girls. Oh, let's go buy some paint. Um, yeah. Let's do arts and crafts. Night. Like I cannot imagine my mom like my parents being that way. Wow. And so, so obviously going through the fact that there was a very little space for emotional expression and you tried to do what you could for the creative expression aspect of things, I think it was more like to try to keep yourself sane and safe in a sense. Yeah. Um, not knowing at the time that that's what it was. Yeah, it was it was trying to just create my own worlds. Yeah, in a sense. Um, so so now I know you mentioned briefly, like, now, for example. Uh, that's why you keep to yourself a lot, right? Right. And you don't really express with others a lot of things. So how else do you feel that this shows up in your life now? I think that's the biggest part. Like it's it's very it's very hard for me to, um. What I shouldn't say that, but it's it's been it's been a difficult journey when it comes to establishing relationships because of, I guess, I don't know, I guess it's just more of and I don't know why I'm getting emotional, but I think it's more so like, I don't know how to like, I don't like it's I don't know how to express myself or I'm working on learning that. Mhm. But like how to express myself. Uh, I don't know to somebody I just met for example. Yeah. And like you meet somebody new and you know you do small talk and you're like talking about, you know whatever the weather and stuff like that. But then. After that. Like, I'm not really a small talk kind of person. Yeah. So I go like, I'm, I'm saying things that I'm asking, questions that other people are not asking. And a lot of times I was able to get by with with that in my friendship groups because I was drunk. So like, oh, there's Nancy B, Nancy, did it really take it seriously? Because like, I was drunk and that, like, that's who they knew me to be drunk. But that's really who I am. Like, I'm the one that's going to say the things that everybody's feeling. But nobody wants to say, yeah. And I think because of that, I think because when I was younger, I wasn't able to say the things that everybody was feeling and everybody, nobody said, yeah, I just became that, like, I just like I just became that person because I'm like, why isn't anybody talking about the fact that my mom is mad at us and taking shit out on us because my dad's drunk? Yeah. You know, like, why are we talking about this? Yeah. So I was really crazy to me. And so I think because of that, like, I became that person that like, is going to even to this day, if you ask my sister, like my, like my sister, my brother in law, for example, like, um, if they tell me something a secret or whatever, like a cheese man, um, they're like, but don't tell nobody. Like are like they're hesitant to tell me because they know that I may say it to them, to the person and like, you know, let's just fucking talk about it. So I've been very late, and people that know me and people that have been in like friendship groups before, like they know that that's like, oh yeah, that's just going to say some off the wall shit that they think it's off the wall. But it's like, no, it's just shit that we don't talk about. Yeah, we should be talking about so, so I yeah. So like I feel like I became, I became that person. So I, I go deep in conversations or in, like in, in meeting somebody I want to know. Like I want to know why they feel a certain way or whatever they express. And sometimes I come off as like questioning them or something, and people are not ready for that. So I just then if that happens, then I just like it like a little like I go back into my shell and like, I don't know. Then I feel that's what happens. Yeah, yeah. And and I mean, yeah, it is true. I've seen it happen in real life. Yeah. Um, and I think it just goes to who? I guess not state or confirm, but like it just goes back to how much we really think about what others think about us when we are in those situations. Yeah. No. Like instead of retracting or us being like, oh, shoot. Like I'm being too much for this person right now. Yeah. Like it's like, well, no, I am going to continue being this person right now. Like, that's just me. That's just you. Yeah. And and it weeds out the people. That. Right. You know. Well, for me in my environment it's everybody like. But hey, nobody wants to be deep diving. Like, I think that's I think that's. Yeah, exactly. That's that's my life right there. Because I think like and this is one of the reasons why this podcast like is everything to me. Because because we have these deep conversations. Yeah. And I'm like and it's and it's just being put out there. Yeah. Right. And whoever listens to it listens to it. But I'm able to express myself through these podcasts, um, that, um, that I like, I wouldn't be able to in that I'm not like, I'm not able to in like day to day life. Yeah. So this is this is my outlet. Yes it is. It really is like your therapy, like you said. Yeah. That's awesome I know, so thank you for listening. But what about you? What how did you how was your, um, how was your, like, how do you remember you as a child? Um, in your expression. Because I know you're you have a different story. You were the oldest. Yeah. So for my oldest perspective, like. Um, so I feel I had a lot of freedom to express. Um, because I was the only kid for a bit, but a few years. The only kid in the whole family. Right. Like, because I'm the oldest child for my parents. I'm the oldest grandchild, the oldest cousin. So I was the first for my whole family. So for me, I feel like I was very free to express and just be who I was. And so and so so I, I, uh, I think I took it like I just was, you know, I like, got into messes. I walked around naked, rode the bike naked like I was just me. Um, so you were naked child from, like, you're. Yeah. It explains why my kids are naked all the time. That's true. Yeah. Um, but I was always just, like, barefoot. Just like my mom was always like, my mom wasn't one to be, like, wear your shoes all the time and be dressed all the time. Like it. Because she was working and my tias would take care of me. So my dad's and my grandma and they were more like, yeah, like and that and that tuna, which means like to be barefoot. Oh, okay. And, um. And so. You see? It's mucosa. It's a little kid with, like, a bunch of booger. Oh, you got me all dirty. That's funny. Um, yeah. So that I know my my mom. I owe a lot to my mom in the sense of, uh, her supportive ness. Always in my life. Yeah. And I think growing up even into, like, my middle school days, um, she was always very supportive of whatever it is I wanted to pursue. So I remember at that time, I, like, went into band and I played an instrument, and I was never a sports girl, so she never put me into sports. But my sister was into sports and she would put my sister into sports. She'd tell her like, yeah, go do it. So my, my sister's whole life she would play sports. But me, I was, I was very into like the music and like English and writing and stuff. Um, but I don't, I don't I in the, in the creative expression piece of things, I do feel that I had a lot of room for that. Yeah. Now you were talking about emotionally. I feel we were kind of in the same boat just because it's the Latino culture. And, uh, they kind of were the same, like. Mr. Jawando like quiero de verdad or like, you know, just like. Yeah, like. Like just give you a reason to cry. And exactly. And because I feel like they were always comparing our lives to theirs, probably. You know what I mean? Like, like how they grew up when they were little, right? Like, oh, you want to. You want to really cry? Like, I think so, you know, like, because it's all the time. Yeah. Like they want record stories. Yeah. Like we didn't have this, so we didn't have that. And I was little and I had to walk five miles for water. Yeah I'm like okay, mom and dad mainly my dad, but and look, you have a whole posse. It's like a 20 minute shower. Yeah. So like, um, and the emotional aspect of things, they feel it was kind of the same. And now as an adult, um, there, there has been a lot of suppression of emotions. And it's not until, like, a few years ago that I'm like, I'm learning how to let the emotions out, right? And like, actually talk about things, which is still something that is very uneasy for me, but I understand that it has to be done. If if I want to live a happy life with myself and, uh, my relationships. And so, um, so the suppression of emotions came. You think from that from, like your family, like your or like not being able to express yourself or did you not did you just not know that there was such a thing as emotional expression? Uh, I think the suppression of feelings comes with being the oldest in a Latino family. Well, you're not allowed. Like, you just need to do what you have to do, and that's it. Yeah. Because especially a Latino family, where you come from, where you're a first gen, okay. Because your parents are immigrants. And so they're just learning the country. Yeah. And you are expected like as soon as you go to school, they think you know, English and that, you know, laws and regulations about the country they live in. And you're expected to know this and so as in as the oldest child, um, a lot of the times what happens is they get parented and they're like the second. Parent in the home. Yeah. And, uh, or they sometimes even become the parent to the parent and they become the emotional backbone for those parents and sometimes the whole family. Yeah. And that that I feel has been my case. Got it. And so, um, there is no room for you to let those emotions out, like your own emotions out, because you have to learn how to juggle everybody else's. And how do you learn how to juggle everybody else's? I have no idea. No. But like, because you don't even know how to juggle your own. Well, because you're not even aware that that it's like emotions are a thing. That's true. Because, you know. So yeah, I have no emotions. Nobody's telling you like, hey, the anger you're feeling inside. Yeah, that's a fucking emotion. And you're feeling it because of all of the shit that's going around in your, you know, like your eight year old. Yeah. Feeling angry as fuck or misunderstood or sad or lonely or whatever. And you don't know. Yeah. You know, if you have, if you, if you're not like shown the emotions and whatever what that means like you don't know why you're like, you just keep going. Yeah, yeah. And and that that parental fication role that is automatically like given to you. Yeah. Um, that you automatically acquire. Pretty much it's I feel it's so difficult to get out of even me now to this day, like just this past weekend, I was still in it, you know, and and it was just like. And and you be and and I'm aware of it. Right. Like, like I was a supporting my sister for something this weekend and my parents didn't go. My dad was working, but my mom forgot and I'd sent them pictures and um, she's like, oh my God, I forgot. And I'm like, just call her later and it's me being a mom. Like telling my mom, like, just make sure you call your daughter her daughter. Yeah. And, uh, it was just like, as soon as I sent it, I was just like, shit. Like, that's not my place. But it's been my place for so long. Yeah. And so it's very, very difficult to like to, to get out of it, but I'm aware of it. And so, so at the moment I'm aware of it. Is the moment like in previous episodes we've said like it's now your choice. You're choosing to do that. And I'm like, all right, Brenda. You know, now that you bring it up. And I don't think I've ever grasped the, um, kind of like the burden, um, if that's the right word that the oldest child has, especially, like you said, like the first generation. Like because, um, because I know my sister, like, my sister is the oldest in, in, in our family. And, I mean, I don't want to, like, speak for her, but I feel from, like what I've seen is the same thing, like she has. She has a burden of, like, being the oldest and now like having to, you know, help my mom out and stuff like, like she does all of that and I never I, I had never really like, realized that was a thing until until like me and like until you shared with me. Like your your relationship with your with your parents. Yeah. And I see it firsthand. Yeah. Right. Exactly. So I'm like, Holy shit, it's a whole thing. Like you do become your parents parent. Yeah. And that's crazy. Yeah. So shout out to my sister if you're listening. I love you and we love you. I feel you. Uh. And anyone, really, anyone really out there that's, like, can relate. That's the oldest. Yeah. Like you realize, like, you're not the only one that that it's a thing. It is like, realize it's a thing. You're a parent to your parent, you know, um, and it's a thing. But you could set boundaries. I feel like there is boundaries that you could set or the whole thing, like how to set boundaries, learning how to actually use the boundaries. That's a whole thing. Yeah. So it's, uh, so it's, it's a, it's a journey for sure. And I think it's a, it's, it's your personal option whether you want to be that or not. Right. Um, but but it's also hard to separate yourself from it. Yeah. Or to even to express that you're like, uh, yes. So like, express your parents, you know, like, like like, let's just say you call your mom or you call your dad and be like, like you guys. Get Ahold of your shit. Yeah, and like, not I'm not doing anything for you anymore. Yes, that's a step. That's a yeah, that's a thing in it. That's a boundary in itself. And it's like, oh, how do I say this to my parents that depend on me to book them an airline ticket and like. So that's really deep. Yeah, that's really deep. It's really deep because that that boundary like to set that boundary even or even to take the step to express yourself to them is like freaking. Yes, it's nerve wrecking because it's like, oh my God. Like because it also brings a bunch of other things. Like then they think you're ungrateful for them and then they think like, well, I brought you here like, you owe me this. And it's like, no, I don't owe you anything. But they don't understand that. Right? And so like, it's a, it's a whole other like Pandora's box type thing. Yeah. But at the end of the day I, I personally know like I started this, this new like thing of from the book The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. And it's a way for like you to unblock your creativity. Right. Okay. And and so and I'm also in this container with like two individuals, Malina and Vanessa. And we're doing a whole thing about creativity. And what do you want to birth into the new year? Right. And, um, all of that together is all I feel. It's all about expression. Yeah, but with it comes. Okay. Well, are you willing to let go of the being the parent ified child? Because I feel that that that also, uh, prevents me from fully expressing myself, um, because I am seen as this parent. And if you really think about it, like a lot of parents don't fully express themselves. No. In our culture. Right, right. And, uh, they carry this role of, like, a parental figure and like, blah, blah are like, all strict and all this stuff. Right? Um, and I want to get away from that. Like, I want my children to see me and my creative expression in and in how I create things in life. Right? Yeah. I want them to see the creator version of me. Yeah. And and so I'm like, okay, I have to let go of this in order to be able to fully express who I am. It's like it has a hold on me. Why do you think it has a hold on you? And I'm just being like, I don't know, devil's advocate is that. Yeah. The thing, like, why why couldn't you just be a creative expression, like knowing that you're being aware that, you know, there's this parent parent thing. Mhm. And having that relationship or your parents having that relationship with you. Why like why couldn't just be, why couldn't it just be that you're aware of it and then like oh okay. I'm aware that this is a relationship that I have with my parents, but I'm not going to let it like restrict me from my creative expression because it's like, so couldn't you separate it? That's a great question. I probably can, and maybe I'm just making it bigger than it is in my mind. Mhm. But it seems to me that it's kind of like a, it's kind of, it's in a way like the parent is like a god to a child. Right, right. Because it's who they know. It's all they know for the very first pieces of their time, of their life. Right. And, and to me, how it ties together is that I feel like I have to let it go because I it's kind of, in a sense, me trying to also forgive them fully for them not being the, the who, who I needed right, right to flourish into the amazing magical human being that I am and that we all are. And so I feel like it's tied to that. And it's like, I forgive you, but I also forgive myself. Right. And and, um, because in a sense, like the parents form your view of the world, right? Your parents and your and your immediate family that you live with every day when you're little. They form your view of the world and they form what is Paradise and what is hell. And they form all of that for you. And I feel like, like because of that, it's like a release and it's like, okay, I let it go completely. Like the perception that you taught me, the views that you taught me is not what I see anymore. And, and, and I am just your child and I am not your parent. Like, yeah, I think that's where it comes from for me. Yeah. Is just that makes sense. Yeah. Because it's a whole connection. Yeah. The whole connection that you have with with the dynamic. Yeah. That needs to be released. Yes. Um, that makes a lot of sense. I don't think I've ever gone that deep with my relationship with my parents necessarily. I miss them, so. I just they're just my parents. They don't know any better. But then again, like my, you know, I'm, I'm, I, I was a youngest and I was I didn't have that, um, dynamic of them coming to me to the, the, the. Yeah. The more I God was just like, oh, somebody's on the phone that speaks English. And I happen to be the one next to my mom. Yeah. For me to like for her to pass the phone, you know, for me to, like, talk to this person. Yeah. Um, but that's really it. Like, that was the, the, the most I, I was useful to them. Other than that, I'm also in the loop. So, you know, it's crazy that they they looked at my sister like that because she was the youngest. That's so. Yeah. That's so what what you see there lacks the ability to express. Yeah. Because we're told, like, you're not like you don't know service. Para nada. Oh yeah. No service. Pardon me. You're not. You're worth shit. Yeah. So that's what I'm told. Yeah. So my parents and then I have, you know, my siblings beating the like fucking torturing me. Um, not my sister. My sister was my godsend. Yeah, but, I mean, everybody had their own way of expressing themselves. And, well, um, I, you know, I was just, I, I was, uh, the one that, like, I don't know, the one that, like, um, didn't have that space like I mentioned, but. So if there is one, one thing that you've maybe envisioned yourself already or maybe having this conversation right now, uh, if there was one way that you are like your fullest expression of yourself, like you are who you envision yourself to be, what is one thing that you see yourself expressing? What is one way? Um, I see myself like doing. Like I see myself being in front of thousands of people. Mhm. Um, I see myself bringing up the uncomfortable conversations for people. Mhm. So everything that I mentioned to you, it kind of all comes first full circle in this moment. Yeah. Because I had never, I had never thought about it being the expression side of things until right now. Oh. So I'm like oh that's why like everything I mentioned in this podcast today. Yeah. Was the first time that I thought about it and it came like realization, like, oh, that's why I always was the one to say the uncomfortable thing because I wasn't able to express myself as a child. Yeah. So I'm just like, oh, we need to talk about this. Like. And even and with anything like at work too, I'm just like, guys, do you notice that? Blah blah like so I see myself being that person or being that, that person in front of thousands of people to do, whether it is like seminars or, um, I don't know. Yeah. Like, you know, like public, public speaking, um, to to talk about these, like to bring up the uncomfortable conversations and um, and take and, but, uh, my, my thing is like to take them in like a their family dynamic, you know. Yeah. Like, for anybody listening like you, you haven't been able to have, um, the uncomfortable conversations or maybe not uncomfortable, but just things that you never talk about. Yeah, like like the elephant in the room. Yeah. Like asking your mom, like, hey, why were you mad all the time? Yeah, like, I remember you being fucking mad all the time. Why do you think you were mad all the time? Like, I would want to understand that. Yeah, I would want to have that conversation. If you still have your parents around. Like, I think it's a valid thing for us to be curious at this point because, like, there's nobody it's nobody's fault. There's no there's no fault. Everybody's just trying to do the best that they can and learn as much as possible in this life. Yeah, right. That's all we came here to do is to experience. It is to learn and to have these conversations. But nobody's having the conversations. Mhm. We're just like, oh shit, that was weird talking about our whole childhood or don't talk about it. Yeah. And like oh shit. Like that was weird. And there's just some people that literally are 100% like, I know some people in my life that are literally so distant from their emotions that when it comes to even like, I love you or saying I love you like it's so hard for them to even say I love you. Mhm. And it's just like, holy shit. Like there's just these people that are still that are still very like, um, like icky about any type of emotions and they're just stuck in that and I'm like, oh well like I that's, that's why all of the things in your life are the way that they are because of the emotional block that you have, the lack of the lack of expression that you, that you like. It's okay to say, I love you. Yeah. Like it's okay to ask, you know, like, why are you feeling that way towards me? Or be curious about why the other person is doing the things they're doing. Mhm. So yeah that's, that's how I see myself. I see myself being I don't see myself, I am that person. Mhm. Like I am that person is just I know that. It's definitely like something I want to like, you know, like, do it live and in front and like, yeah, let's just get this shit out. Yeah, yeah, I love that. I love that for you. It's totally happening already. Yeah. What about you? I am a writer. You are a writer. Mhm. And I'm trying not to get emotional but it's, it's actually something that came to light today. Um, like a confirmation I guess. And uh, this is like live raw. Yeah. Oh. Real good. Like, I never thought about it. So right now. Yeah, it's a, it's a confirmation today. You know, in that 12 week container that I briefly mentioned that I'm in with a few people, um, four weeks of it is about dream work and it's about actually, you know, sharing our dreams that we have, like, in the nighttime. Right. And I have a dream journal and I journal the dreams and, um, his dreams have meaning. Dream dreams are a map for us in our waking life. And, uh, so last night I had a dream, and it involved my notebook. And it's my notebook that you gifted me. And it's a digital notebook. And that notebook pretty much contains my life because I have, like. A bunch of other notebooks in that notebook, right? It allows me to have multiple notebooks in that one. And that journal has my dream journal, my affirmations, my life journal, my plant medicine journal, my business stuff, my like everything is housed in there. And in my dream, that journal was a very significant part of my dream. And, uh, somebody in the container with us said, like, I would look at like, she's like, are you writing? Like, is there something to do with writing for you? And in the last two weeks that I've been doing the writing practice that the Artists Way book says, I realized that I am a writer and a poet, and it's making me cry because like, for so long it's just been like kind of shoved away. Yeah. You know, and and for the longest time I thought like, wow. Like, I'm not really creative, but I, I am and like, in writing those pages every morning for the practice, it's a natural flow that comes to me. And so, um, and we, we have an Etsy shop, you guys, and it has a capsule. Yesterday I created two designs that came to me during the writing and during a mini ceremony with plant medicine. And I'm like, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. It's like putting it out there. Through different ways. Yeah, right. And so I am a poet and a writer, and I am excited to see in the direction that this form of expression goes. Yeah. That's exciting. Yeah. You know, it's interesting. You know, it's funny. Yeah. That one of the first things that one of the first times that you and I talked on the phone when we first started talking. Uhhuh. You were writing. Oh, yeah. And I remember you telling me I asked you, I think, like, what do you like, what are you doing? And then, um, you said, like, oh, I was writing, and I was like, oh, that's pretty cool. Um, because you just you were just right. Like, it wasn't anything specific that like or journal. You didn't say journaling. You didn't say, you know what? You just you said I was like, I'm writing and I'm like, oh, wow. Like, that's that's awesome. Yeah, that's true, I did. Yeah. And, um, and you and you told me how, like, you like you love to write and like you. You love to. You told me I love to write, but I haven't. I hadn't in a long time. Um, and that was like that time or when we were on the phone, like you were like. Picking it up again. Yeah. Um, I thought that it was amazing. I'm like, oh, shoot. Like she's a writer. I thought that was pretty cool, but yeah, yeah. That's exciting. Yeah. Um, so I can't wait to indulge in all of that. All of the all of the words you put together and be able to to read your stuff one day. Yeah. So this is a friendly reminder to begin a practice that allows you to express yourself. Yeah. Um, expression comes in so many ways. It could be in the form of dance. It could be in the form of writing, in the form of speaking, painting, drawing. I'm a draw, apparently. Yeah, I can puzzle and, um, and it's it's a reminder to do that if, um, if you need help on how to get started, I definitely recommend that book, The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. There's a free PDF online. You can Google it. There's the audible version, but it's a it really does. Just like open you up. And at first it's kind of weird because you're like, what am I supposed to write three pages about every morning? Yeah, sometimes I do get stuck still, you know? Um, but it's like, it's so amazing. Like, once you actually do it for a week and then two weeks, it feels so good. And and it's it begins. You begin to see the world in a different way. Yeah. Um, it looks brighter. Every human looks more amazing. Like every human is a freaking miracle. And I'm just like, wow, I feel like you're using, like, I feel like you're just standing there, like, staring at everything. Like using your words to describe, like the mist of the sun and the ocean came up with the light of. Yes. Yeah. Like the other day, um, my mods and I, my oldest, we were outside or something, and, and she's like, oh, I just love walking with you. I'm like, I love walking with you, too. And enjoying the sun's rays as well. And she's like the sun's rays. Is she kind of like. She repeated it, right. It's like the sun's rays. She's like, is that like sunshine? I was like, yeah. And, uh, I was like, oh my God, Brenda. Like, without. That's good. Yeah. So like, you know. You know, uh, I know that, like, they're, they're very interested in all the world, like different whenever we use different words. Mhm. Um, they're like, what is that. Yeah. Oh. And then we tell them like what it means and they're like oh okay. Like uh it's I, I think that to me like to me that's I, I feel um privileged to be able to be in like, yeah. Being this little bean's life, you know, showing them new words. Yeah. Like, it's it's pretty cool. Yeah. Um. But. Yeah. Expression. Mhm. Expression. Expression. Expression. How do you like I, I would honestly like, recommend you sit with yourself. Um. And just think about, like how it was for you. Like anybody listening, like, how was it for you when you were younger, growing up, expressing yourself? Were you able to express yourself? Do you think you were if you weren't able to express yourself? You know, when you were, when you were a kid, like, how do you think that's impacted your your life now? Are you like me? That is like a little introvert or like, reverts back to being an introvert because you're either scared of saying the wrong thing or saying it in the wrong way, or it being taken away that you didn't think or didn't mean to sound like that's. I don't know if I'm saying that. Right. But, um, ask yourself these questions. Yeah. Like I think with asking yourself these questions, you come to find out that there's a whole side of you that you hadn't, like, you didn't even know. Like, existed now because you suppressed it for so long. Yeah. And it's like, no. Yeah, I'm a fucking writer. I'm a poet. Like, I have these words flowing through me and I'm passionate about it. Yeah. You know, like I'm a fucking talker. Yeah, I could talk and I. Yeah, even regular like laying. You need to shut me up, Blake. But obviously I'm not, you know, but, like, I'm a talker. Like I want to again, like, be in front of people and and and make them ask themselves these questions. Yeah. The ones that are ready. Yeah. The ones that are ready. So baby, please be ready. So go off and express. Guys go up and express. Express yourself. That's a real song. Oh. I think you just made it up, right? No, I think I said I think that's it. Yeah. Once again, guys, thank you for listening. If you gain something or feel inclined to share this episode, please do so. Go to our Instagram Deep Dive In podcast that's dive in the evine and connect with us there. Comment, share, post. We appreciate the support so much and we will catch you on the next one.