EP 36 | Doing the Inner Work to Stop Getting on Each Others Nerves

Whew—this one gets deep. In this episode, we’re opening up about how we’ve built the relationship we have today—not by just “working on us” as a couple, but by doing the hard, healing work individually.

Nancz shares how inner child healing has been the game-changer in helping her show up with more clarity and compassion in the relationship. Meanwhile, Brenda gets real about learning to soften—to let herself be vulnerable instead of always trying to hold it all together.

We talk about the moments where we seriously questioned if we were even meant to be together (yeah, we’ve been there). But instead of pointing fingers, we turned inward and asked, “How can I get better?” And that’s when the relationship began to deepen in ways we didn’t know were possible.

This is your reminder that the fiercest love isn’t found—it’s grown. It’s built through self-awareness, emotional intimacy, and a whole lotta dedication to becoming your best self. 💫

Hit play if you’re in a relationship, want to be in one, or are just working on loving yourself deeper—because it all starts with you.

Transcript

EP 36 | Doing the Inner Work to Stop Getting on Each Others Nerves

Hey guys, welcome to the Deep Dive In podcast with Nancy and Brenda and we are back, baby. Sorry I got you. Yeah. Oh my God. I feel my voice is kind of weird today, so I brought you some throat coat. Oh, is that what we're drinking? Tea. Okay. I was a lot. I was I feel like I was a wow. I feel like I was around a lot of sick people. Um, um, the last couple of days. And here we are not letting it. We're giving her all the herbs and tinctures. Yes. Then whatever else you give me that I don't know. Yes, she. It's, um. This morning I was like, did you drink all your orange juice? Yeah. I'm like, why is she put I don't know, I put vitamins, a malayan blend for respiratory help. Wow. Well, that actually that's good because I think I need it. Yeah. You do. But here we are. Bourbon. How are you doing today? I'm doing amazing. Yeah, yeah, I feel really good. It's so crazy. Just like how? Like there's things happen through our days, you know? Yeah. And then you, like, get back to feeling great and amazing. Yeah. It's a roller coaster, I feel. Yeah. It's a roller coaster of emotions. Mhm. Yeah. Why do you say that. Um because I, because I feel like give I don't know, like I just feel like there is just so many things that you start to, you know, realize and stuff like, um, when you're living life differently. Oh yeah. And you, you, you have all of these emotions that come up through the day and like, um, but obviously you learn how to maneuver through it, you know? Right. Grow through it. Grow through it. Yeah, exactly. Um, but like, we had our conversation, like the conversation that we had yesterday for our conversation. Yeah. That for our conversation, um, that we had yesterday actually kind of like, I don't like it was just magical. Yeah. It was a magical conversation. And I'm so proud of ourselves with where we are and in our relationship individually and together, um, where we're able to have those open conversations and we're able to like, really like, talk about the things that you don't want to really talk about. Yeah, but are really like the true. Reason on why. You know, you feel certain ways for whatever reason. Yeah. They're the really they're the conversations that we need to have. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So like, I know in our relationship, um, we, I think we see this a lot in our, in the episodes and stuff. But like we had episodes where we talk about like how we started in our relationship and then we have, um, we've also talked about, like, you know, the hurdles and tribulations because of, you know, shit that we still had to work through that we went through in previous relationships. And we, we still, like, brought them into this relationship at the beginning of our relationship. Yeah. I'm going to keep saying relationship. The episode is about our relationship. So and so. I feel like I feel like I'm just so proud of us from where we, where we were. Because if you think like. And the reason why I say that is because of that. Because I feel like I could tell you anything. Yeah. Like I could share anything with you. And when I say anything is literally like like I don't, I'm like, I could share with you, I don't know, shit that happens to me or the shit that I just think about. Yeah. You know, like, um, here's my thoughts. Yeah. Like the depth of the mountain. Yeah. Okay, but that's a crazy one. So we were we were driving back from California yesterday and I was sharing with Brenda like my like, sometimes you think about like one of the things that we talked about that you guys might understand is like how our cars, like we are very close together in our cars. And then there's buses that have like two rows and there's like four people and there's a little walkway or whatever in the, in the, in the bus. And we're on the same narrow lane. Yeah. Like, how does that and an RV and, uh, yeah, a smart car and an RV fit in the same lane, guys, but yet we don't have any elbow room in our car. Yeah. Anyways, so those are the type of, like, dumb, you know, like, just observations, life observations that are a mystery still. The point is, like, you're able to say anything and everything to each other. Yes. Yeah. I 100% feel I could be myself. Yeah. With you. Yeah. Um, whether it be like. Whether it be like when I'm not feeling good, whether, like when I'm not, you know, in the mood to whatever I could tell you, like, honestly, babe, like, I don't feel like doing anything today. Yeah. And you're just like, well, go lay down. Yeah, yeah. And you do the same. Yeah, yeah. Same like I do the same to you because we know it's needed. Yeah, I feel like because we know it's needed. Like we'll just go do what you want to do. Yeah, but then there's also that feeling like, I know I still get the feeling, or even when I tell you, um, I just don't feel like doing anything. And then you're like, cleaning or something. Then I feel guilty, right? And I feel like I have to help you, and you're just like, just lay down. Like you have to tell me several times. Yeah, that is something that develops in a relationship. It doesn't just come into the relationship. For the most part. I feel like in, like regular people. Right? Because there could be a partner that even if you say you're tired and they tell you, we'll go rest and you feel guilty for like not doing anything, you'll still get up and do stuff and then they won't tell you again, like just go rest. Yeah. I'll just let you do the thing. Right? Right. So yeah. Like that. That's why I was saying, like, I'm really proud of us and where we are. Yeah. Because of the things that like how we can say like literally, you know, a couple months ago probably didn't feel the same way. Right. But talking to you yesterday and really like going deep into, you know, um, recent events that have occurred, like I realized, like, I have to like, I don't know if we want to go into what occurred but not really know. And so I realized, like, like just how mature we are. But I feel like it has to do with our healing, our individual healing. Yeah. Like I feel if if we weren't individually doing the work for ourselves, I don't think it would be the same. Yeah. I feel like if you, for example, let's just say you were doing the work and you were healing and you were like, um, you know. Whatever, doing the work to understand yourself and connect, to connect with who you really are, what you really want in life. And I wasn't. And I was just living life like, you know, whatever, mindless, I guess. I don't know, I don't like living day by day doing the same thing. Whatever. I don't feel like we like. Obviously that wouldn't work. No, I don't think we. I don't think it works either. Yeah. No, because it wouldn't work. Yeah. Because you would be on another plane field like you would be on another level. But because I feel like we're both taking this journey together, I feel like that's the reason why we're here now in our relationship and why we have, like, the deep conversations about how we're feeling, our insecurities with each other. I share with you things that I realize for myself, like, holy shit, I was still like, just I'm I'm going to share a little bit of the conversation that we had yesterday for myself was the still I'm still seeking validation from my older siblings in my life, and that leads me to feel a certain way when I don't have that validation. But I never I never realized that that's what I was doing. Yeah, but it was like my inner child still wanting to be good or be or, um, wanted to get the good girl, like, you're doing a good job, Nancy. Yeah, from my older siblings. Right? And it's so crazy to me. And this is a thing that a lot of people don't understand the word like when we talk about, like the work and like journaling and stuff, those are the type of things that literally drive you like the devastating, like the, um, validation, like the needing validation, their insecurities because you, you don't do something or people that say like, oh, I'm antisocial. Well, what makes you antisocial? Like, there's got to be a reason. Yeah. Like, do you care what other people think about you? Right? And that's keeping you from socializing? Exactly. Or you don't know what you want to say or whatever. Like, those are the type of things that, like doing the work is. And I feel like the more that you internalize or the more that you go in into yourself and are aware of what is happening, you're able to figure out like, Holy shit, I still have a wound. You know, my inner child is still like wanting validation. Yeah. And therefore here I am as an adult, wanting validation and feeling insecure about my life because I'm not getting it. Yeah, yeah. The inner child is like our compass, right? Like our navigation system. And it's what directs our human body here now. And so whatever things we, we have not dealt with that occurred for us in our young lives, um, those things are really what are driving you, like you said? Yes. Giving you the show that you're looking for. Yes. So it's like little Brenda. Um. I don't. Little Brenda is seeking affection and love. Right. And so something I tell you something so that you can come and to me and be like, oh, come here babe. Right? But that's really not me. It's my inner child. It's little Brenda trying to get attention and love. And it's like, okay, well, Brenda, where have you not given yourself attention and love lately? Right. Because that's where it's truly coming. So yeah, but then it's having those conversations with yourself. Yeah. Like yesterday when we were talking it out and I was telling you how I was feeling, you know, being around, um, my older siblings, I felt like I felt some type of way. Right. I felt insecure about what I was doing in my life. Yeah. And it's crazy because it's not even like them. Like it's nothing to do with anybody else. To do with anybody out of myself. Yeah. Like I'm not trying to like anything. Like it's nothing to do with anybody else but us. But you see, if you're not asking yourself these questions and asking yourself like, well, why am I feeling this way? Because if you're feeling insecure in a particular, you know, scenario or something that's happening in your life, you just feel the feelings and then like, oh, well, whatever. And then you move on. Right? Without really like a being aware, like, holy shit. Like, why am I feeling this way? Yeah. Or and then keep asking yourself the questions like, well, like, is it me. Like what? Like what's going on. Mhm. But I feel like asking or having the conversations or asking yourself those questions and even just like journaling about it giving, I think it's giving yourself time to like, think about it. Yeah. Without dismissing it. Yes. You know, and feeling it and feeling. Yeah. Because you could you could very easily you could very easily just be like, well fuck them or whatever and, and project your feelings onto the other person. Yeah. Thinking that it's their problem. Yeah, but it's not. It's your problem. Yeah. Like you are the one feeling this way for a reason. And there's something inside of you that you are having healed. There's something inside of you that there's a wound inside of you that you haven't healed. Or your inner child that still, you know, seeking certain things. Mhm. And like it's really what you go through as a child. Yeah. You know like really what you go through as a child is things that come with you as an adult. Yes. And. And you continue to do some things like wanting validation or even from your parents. You could be like, oh, you're the life that you're living right now. Could be to satisfy your parents. Like living out your parents life. Yeah. Or your parents thought a good life was. Yeah. So you're living that life because that's what they told you a good life was. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. Like for me. I know growing up, my, uh, it was mostly my mom. She would always be like, like, have a big house, you know, I have a nice car. And. And that's what I was striving for at a very early age. So she never said, like, have a happy. Nah. No, like not like what I tell my kids. I'm like, the most important thing in your life is to always be creative and have fun. Yeah, that is not one thing that they. Did. And I just was like, so yeah, like, you know, like growing up, my mom would always be like, the big house is the nice cars, you know, and like like making it look like you're okay, like materialistic. Yeah. Keeping up with the Joneses, keeping up with the Joneses type thing, even in your relationship, making it look like it's. Everything's okay. Yeah. Like you don't. You don't clean your dirty laundry. No. What is what are my mommy mom's is la la la casa. So I think that's what you said. Yeah, yeah. And I and and I always I never like that. Never sat well with me. Mhm. And I mean like 1819 I think I started, I bought my first house at like 19 or 20 and it was a big old house, like a two story like three bedroom house for myself. Buried already for myself. Oh, wow. Like necessities. Yeah, exactly. And I was just like, what the heck? And then, like, my life took a detour and I was just like, I realized, like, that's not what was a detour. Um, my detour was that I started sales. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, that was kind of iffy. Church. Yeah. So. But I say all of that, like the whole inner child thing. Like, I say all of that because I feel like doing that work helps me be better in our relationship. Right. Me too. Yeah. Yeah. Like doing the doing the work of asking yourself like, oh, well, why do I feel this way even when it's something to do with our relationship? Like, sometimes I'm like, wait, well, why do I feel, um, insecure about myself? Or why do I feel like, you know, mad about something that she said or whatever? And I'm like, well, where does that come from? Because what you said. It's not about what you said is my like it triggered me. Yeah. So why did it trigger me? Right? You know. Yeah. Um, but, I mean, those are. It's crazy because, like, I know it sounds insignificant and maybe, like, a year ago, I would have been like, what the fuck are you talking about? You know, like, who the fuck cares? Like, just live your life, like, stop. I really did have that mentality. Yeah, towards all of this. Uh, that's the thing. Like, I. Wow. Like, I really did have that, like, um, it was always a battle. It was always like, I know that there was deeper, but the way I grew up and like, how I was, didn't allow me to believe it, like, oh, there's nothing deeper. Like, you just fucking go to work, live your life, you know, do your best you can. Yeah, kind of a thing. Like, what do you mean? Like there's inner child, you know? Yeah. Like I'm a little baby. You're telling me like. Like what do you mean? Like, you know, all of these things that we talk about that I talk about now? Yeah, literally like a year ago or more than a year ago, I'd say more than, um, more than a year ago. Like, I would be like, I it just it didn't it wasn't as deep as it is now. I feel for me. Right. Because now I just want to tell everybody. Yeah. Like everybody was willing to listen. Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah. Because then you have the conversation or you bring it up in conversation and they're like, what the fuck? Yeah. And they just keep talking. Yeah. And they just keep going with some like something else. Yeah. And it's so funny. It's. But I could tell now. Yeah. Like I could tell now, like, who doesn't want to talk about it and who, who is willing to go deep, you know, in conversation about how we feel about life. And those are obviously the people that like, um, sucked in too. Yeah. I guess that doesn't sound right. Attracted to you. Don't know it. Wow. You would, but you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just feel like I feel that. I just want to emphasize emphasize as much as I can how important it is for one to like, understand themselves. Because I, I feel like in relationships before, um, I, I, I knew that there was something wrong, like I knew that there was something going on. Right? Yeah, I knew that. Like, there was even in our relationship previously. Yeah. Like I'm like, oh, this isn't right. Right. And there is sometimes over just like, you know, I don't think we go with each other. Mhm. Like this is just so like dumb. Yeah. And we're like I don't think like we would have that conversation like I don't think we go with each other. But I the thing is that I don't think, I don't think we went with ourselves. Yeah. We weren't aligned with that. Exactly. Yeah. And I feel that I love myself in this moment more than I've ever loved myself. And I understand myself more in this moment than I ever understood myself and I, and I feel that's why our relationship like, and the connection that I have with you has expanded significantly in the last 24 hours. Yeah, I just read a post that said, don't try to measure your growth because you can grow in one month where you would have grown in four years. Yeah, but don't measure it because in the quantum field, time is not a thing, right? So literally in our 24 hours, I think we jumped like I don't know how much. Yeah, 100%. And we both feel it and both like, did we just quantum Leap? Yeah, yeah. And. And if you don't know what Quantum Leap is, please look it up. Yeah, but it's like, just like you said, it's it's jumping to that point. Yeah. Yeah, it's jumping to that. So you trusting the process and trusting the process. And then one day you're driving back from California and have a four hour conversation that goes really deep into what we have been truly feeling, right. And what we are feeling at the moment. And we're just like, and we just meshed like we just like it. Like all of the uncertainty, all of the insecurities, whatever. Like they just faded away when the conversation that we had and we just like, okay, like like the we are, it's just more in depth. Connected. Yeah. Connected to each other. Yeah. Um, with what how how we're feeling and like, what we want to do and how we want to show up for each other in our relationship. Right? Yeah. And I and I am totally with you on the whole, um, the more we expand ourselves, the more we are able to expand our relationship, our partnership. Right? And not just the romantic partnership, but even with your friends and even other people. I know for me, you shared like for you were being in alignment with yourself is and you've been more in love with yourself now more than ever. It's the same for me. And that's why I think we're like, how you said. That's why we feel the way we feel in our partnership. Because I feel the same. I've bought myself like I've never loved myself more than right now. At this moment, I've never felt more confident in who I am than right now, in this moment. And what do you think got you there? Like this. There. Do you think there's. I know there might be a combination of things. Can you pinpoint like, something specific that got you there? Um, I would say that. Oh, that's a tough one. Uh. You're going to go next. I go, okay. Go first. Okay. So I feel sorry, guys. I feel like the whole inner child thing is what got me there. Mhm. Um, like that understanding that and and it's crazy, like, as dumb as it sounds because it is kind of weird, like really connecting with your inner child and telling your inner child, like everything's going to be like, everything is okay, like I got you. Mhm. You don't need validation from anybody else. You are perfect as you are. You have everything you need. You. Don't need anybody to give you their approval. Meg. Literally telling your inner child is telling yourself this, but, you know, it's. Yeah. Um, I feel like that's what, um, kind of expanded me in that, like, that's kind of like what broke me open. I feel it's very interesting that I'm saying this because of the of the, um, the frickin, uh, the dream that I had last night. Oh, yeah. Yes. And I had a dream last night. And I'll share it with you guys, because I know you want to know. Yeah. I had a dream last night, and the dream was, um. We were. I was working in a, like, somewhere, and they lined us up because there's two monks that were going to come. They were going to come to, like, just help us, right. And I remember it was like in the second row. And when the monk was, uh, passing, like he was in the middle, he was in the front of the room. Um, and I'm like, oh, I hope, I hope he comes to me and he can't like. And as he was walking in front of the roll that I was in, I felt a touch on the back of my I felt a touch, uh, one hand in the back, like on my back. And then another, another touch in my chest. Um, and I felt this touch from. I'm getting the chills. I, I felt like I felt like a real like it was real. Like a touch of a monk, like, um, you know, holding my, like, my back and my chest. And kind of helping me release, like, emotions and stuff. And I couldn't. And I told like, the monk had, like, little strips and he would tear the little strip and like, put it towards me and it wouldn't work. And then he would get another little strip and put it towards me and it wouldn't work. And he went through like a whole pack of strips and he was like, really in shock. He's like, you are severely blocked. And he told me this. Yeah. And I'm like, and I felt like, I know I am. And he's like, you need to go stand over there. And he told me to stand somewhere else. And he's like, you need to go stand over there. And when I was, when I went to the little area, um, like, he walked me over there and then I started, like, I started crying and I'm like, like just feeling like, oh my God. Like I'm blocked. Yeah. And then this lady, like, was there and she saw me crying, but then she gave me a microphone and she gave me a microphone and she wanted to do an interview. So she was walking like she was walking, walking me somewhere. Her some other girl that was holding a camera. Yeah. Like we were walking to do an interview. Well, but you know, now that I think about it and I'm saying this out loud, it was like, it's it's as. So I was like, the monk took me to that place, and I was feeling what he was telling me that I was blocked. And then the girl gave me a microphone significant of like, go talk about it. Yeah. So you won't be blocked anymore. But yesterday's couch conversation. Yes. Oh, my. Uh. That was like. Yeah, go release it. Go release it by talking about it. Right? Yeah. Because I'm really good at talking. Like I could talk about it forever. And, yeah, we were having a conversation, you and I, yesterday after we got here. Another one? Yeah. We were having a conversation about, like, I've been wanting to start, like, my own YouTube channel where I do my own solo like videos and talk about different topics and stuff in the same like category that we talk here. But I never really I've been wanting to do this for a while, but what what helped me back was like, I didn't know what to talk about. Yeah. And then finally yesterday, it hit me like, oh, I should go talk like I want to talk about this. And it was a whole thing. Yeah. That like epiphany. And then I had this dream. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, like, I mean, I feel like it means something. It all dreams mean something where even the duck who turns into an alligator, they owe me something. But but. Yeah, yeah. Telling the girl that I had a dream journal. I don't know. You did a whole like. Didn't you do, like, a class or something? Yeah. I went to a whole workshop to teach me about dreams and how to work with my dreams and learn about my dreams. Oh. That's hilarious. Yeah, I, I didn't I just put it together right now as I'm talking, talking to you about it. The significance. Because I shared with you a dream this morning. Yeah. But I didn't really, like, understood the significance. I was just stuck in the unblocked. But as I'm talking to you right now and, like, telling you like or saying it again, I'm like, holy shit, it was just a pathway. Like go over there. And then they gave me a mic and like, oh, well, go talk about it. So you could be unblocked. Yeah. And that's what I've been doing. And I share this in the podcast all the time. How this part like I love like this is my therapy sessions. Yeah. And it has helped me grow a lot because as I'm sitting here talking about it, these things come to me like this comes the the connections come to me as I'm sitting here talking about it. Yeah, all the time that happens. Yeah. And when we're done recording, I feel lighter, like I feel better or something. Yeah. All the time. Yeah. Which is crazy. That's amazing. Because, you know, the, the number one thing that, um, you know, how most people, they say most people are afraid of dying, right? And the number one thing like be after that, that people are afraid of is public speaking. Yeah. Right. And so like, your throat chakra center is super ready, like it's unblocked and ready to go and share and release your energy. Um. Yeah. So catch me at your next event. I'll just catch her on YouTube. That's on YouTube. Yeah, but but those things. So I mean, those all of these things that were talking like that were mentioning that I'm mentioning, honestly, I feel are the things that have allowed me to be a better partner as well. Mhm. Because I, I feel more open, like I feel open to sharing the things with you, you know, and I feel you're also and I feel that because I feel like you're ready to like you, you're ready to receive them and also are there to have the conversation. Yeah. Because you could be with the partner like, and you feel like you can't really say certain things or whatever because of their previous reactions. Right. And it, it like kind of prevents you from, you know, mentioning these things and you still like, love them and you still, you know, there but there is that like little like watch out yet another thing. Yes. And that that's something that I had to learn through for myself. Yeah. Because I was the same way. Like, I wouldn't say certain things because of your previous reactions or you wouldn't tell me certain things because of my previous reactions. Yeah. And we would still hold on to not sharing things. And, um, it finally got to the point where, like, I kept working on myself and, um, and I was like. Like, I kept kind of trying to reprogram that I guess piece of myself where you need to just share it. It doesn't matter what their reaction is, their reaction is not your problem as long as you share it in a nice way. Right? And you're just coming from you saying it, coming from a good place. And, um, and that took me a while to finally, like, kind of get there, get there. Yeah. And I would say the thing that really, um, the number one thing like that, you were saying how for you it's been the inner child. Um, that has really helped in evolving our partnership for me has been, um, the softening, um, like, I don't know, I don't know what other word to use other than softening. Yeah. Um, because the best way I can explain it is think of most of society. Now, a lot of women are in relationships where they are the most dominant one and not their partner or like, you know, and and I felt like I was like that. And that's because I think that that's how how I saw relationships in my home like. Most of the other women were the dominant ones, and they still kind of are for the most part. Yeah. And, um, and so for me, it took me a while to learn how to soften and kind of be on the same level as you, my partner. That actually allowed me to get vulnerable because I was very shut off and like, I was like, I'm not going to be vulnerable with no. But yeah. And so those I would say were the main things that really helped in expanding myself. And then obviously with that came our relationship. That's a big one. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's very hard to be vulnerable. Like that's a very hard work for me to say. They wouldn't it wouldn't that I like it. Um, it's very hard to be like to be vulnerable. Yeah. Because you're guarded. Like you're guarded and and protecting of yourself because you don't, you know, you don't. You don't want to be hurt. Yeah. And it's it's a hard thing to do. Yeah. Very hard thing to do. But it's, uh, but I but again, if you find the right person to be the person to hold space for you, that is allowing you to be vulnerable and doesn't throw it in your face. Mhm. Mhm. Like that's a different like that's why people I feel like that's why you reach a level. That's how you reach a level in your relationship of the connection. Yeah. Deep connection is when we hold space for each other. Yeah. You know, like, if you're feeling some type of way for whatever's going on in your life, like you, are you being able to share that with me without me being like, I fucking told you so. Yes. What the fuck? What do you think was going to happen? Or exactly, you know, all of these, like, negative, um, making you feel shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Negative reactions like that makes it makes sense for the person to feel, you know, safe. Yes. To to share those things. Yeah. Because people don't share the things because the partners are like that. How you said like exactly. And and that happened with that happened within our relationship. Yeah. There is a point in our relationship where there wasn't that safe space and we lived on eggshells. We walked on eggshells around each other because we didn't know how to communicate. Yeah, because the other person would react instead of listen. Right. And and it would be vice versa, like it was either if I was feeling some type of way, I would I wouldn't want to say it because I didn't want to get you mad or have you react in a certain way, um, or get defensive or, you know, all of those things. Um, and so it's very understandable. But then when we, when we started like, well, I need to be a better partner because we've had those like we had those conversations. Yeah, we have like, oh, when we had the conversations of like where I don't think we're right for each other. And then something in the conversation it ended up we always ended up turning out like, well, maybe we could do better. Yes. Like, we don't know what the better is. But we both knew that we wanted to be with each other, right? And sometimes, sometimes our ego is just like, no, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, because it's too hard right away, right? Yeah. Because it's too hard sometimes it's too. Or we say it's too hard because it's something out of our comfort zone and our ego wants to keep, keep us safe. Mhm. So we're just like it's it's safer for me. Like our ego in that moment is like it's safer for me to get the fuck out of here, start my life again. Yeah. Then to continue and work on this. Yes. In that moment. Yeah. Um, but when you are able to. Work out of your like, work like quiet your ego down, right? Or be aware of that being your ego and then going into what you really feel and what you really feel should happen and what you know the truth to be. Because in those moments when the egos like, well, fuck that. Like she's not like she's going to be that way. Yeah. Like that's not something that I want in my relationship. Yeah. I'm just going to leave. Yes. In those moments, like, you have to be aware that you're actually thinking those things. Yeah. And when you're able, when you're aware that you're thinking those things, that's where you make the switch and you're just like, well, I don't want to break up. Yeah. Like in those moments, I was like, I knew that it was my ego. Right? And I'm just like being aware that it's my ego. And I'm like, no, like I don't want to just end the relationship for whatever reason. This is something that I know we could communicate through, that we can talk about that. We can figure it out. Yeah. You know. Yeah, you. But it takes time. Yes. And it takes. It takes time, and it also takes like your dedication and to make for you to make the choices. Because I also want to say that there's a very fine line between what you're talking about and then complacency and settling. Yeah, right. And you're just like, well, like I'm just going to be with them because they're cool with me. Like they treat me. Yeah. Like they don't. Yeah. Like they're just a nice person. Yeah. And like that's a completely different thing. Yeah. What we're talking about and I want to, I want to say that because I think that there are a lot of relationships out there that are in that kind of like superficial state. And they are in that, like the example you gave of the partner being react. They were like, I told you so, like, why are you so stupid or something like that, right? And there there's relationships where there is no depth to them and there is no none of what you're saying. Yeah. Like they are not having any of these conversations. And it's like, well, if you feel like you can't have those conversations Relations with your partner. Why are you really there? You know, and like when we asked ourselves, like, do we really want to be in this relationship, we understood that who we were with, we understood the foundation that we have in our relationship. And then we were like, okay, well, we know that each of us is committed to growing ourselves. So why is this like happening and how can we get better at it, like you said? And it's just like, um, I don't know, like, it's just I really just wanted to, as you were speaking, like I thought of that, how it could very easily be translated into like, well, they're cool with me. Like, I'll just stay here, you know? And that's, that's not at all what it is. It's like it's about being dedicated to yourself first and foremost, and then dedication to the partnership. And your relationship comes automatic with it. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's. Yeah. Like how you want to show up in, in your relationship. Mhm. Um because I feel like. We constantly. There's a lot of things that happen in our life, right? Yeah. You know, on a daily basis, there's going to be a million things, especially if you have kids and you have so many things to juggle. Um, and we lose track of how we want to show up in relationship. Yeah. And we lose track of of that naturally, because there's just so many things. But I think, um, excuse me, but I think, like, ultimately that's the most important, like the most important thing because if you establish and you have a like, solidified understanding with yourself on how you want to show up in relationships. Mhm. Because it could it's not just with your partner like how you want to show up in relationships with your kids, with your parents, whoever you have, with your little papa, with a lot of little dog. Mhm. Um, yeah. Don't look at me like that. It's because he's looking, he was looking at me sad and I wanted to pick him up. Oh my God. Now he's licking itself. Okay. So I feel like it's, it's in regards to like, it's important for you to know how you want to show up in relationships. Yeah. What is important to you? What is the person that you want to be to whoever you have in your life? If you're a mother, like, how do you want to be? How do you want to show up in the relationship with your kids? And once you have that established, I feel everything else goes a lot smoother. Yeah, because if I, on a daily basis, stick to what? Who I want to be as a person in relationship. Like there is no turmoil, there's no chaos, there's no anything. Because I'm just going to stick to what I want to be and how I want to show up. Yeah, yeah. And that ultimately is what allows you to keep moving, moving forward. Yeah, yeah. Because I give you an example because I know that's very vague. Right. But I'll give you an example. Like for example, like with the girls, you know, I want to I, I'm definitely like I want to show up with, with the girls to be somebody they could trust, right. To be somebody that they have fun with and just to be there. To give advice. If they ask me for it. Yeah. And I and that's how I want to show up. So on a daily basis, you know, when they're here and they come to me and I feel like they want to have a conversation, then I'm aware like, oh, I'm a I'm going to be there for them to have that conversation. Yeah. Or yeah. Or they ask me, you know, like tours like let's go on a date, like a month, like she, she says, mom and daughter date. Yeah. And she did like, okay, like I want to show up, but like, you keep that in mind in any situation, you know, I feel like that's the thing. Like, as a mom, for example, like, you just keep that in mind on how you want to show up. Yeah. And stick to it. And so anything that comes up during the during the day, you go back to how you want to show up. Mhm. And in a relationship with you and I like I want to be a supportive partner in anything that you need or anything that you want to work on for yourself. I want to give you the space to expand and create and like help you in any way that I can, right? So when we talk about the things that or we start working on the projects that we start working on, I keep that in mind. And so I'm like, well, how can I help mom? Or like what? How can I help you? What do you need? And then you tell me your ideas. And then sometimes we bounce ideas off of each other. Like those are the type of like those are. That's keeping in mind how I want to show up in the relationship. And it makes life just run smoother. Yeah, because I'm sticking to my fundamental alignment, like of who I want to be as a person. Yeah. And that in itself is what takes. Work. Yes. Sticking to that. Sticking to you. Being intentional stick. Sticking to you. Being devoted. Um. Committed. Right. Those are the things that take work. But a lot of people have become too lazy to like one. Yeah, yeah, it's because it's because then it's like, well, where do you start? Well, you start by actually journaling. You start by taking walks and you start by giving yourself time to think about the like when you react. Mhm. Because if yeah it being knowing what you knowing how you want to show up with in your relationships can be impacted and disturbed by triggers and reactions and traumas that you still have by the people, like by what happens around you. Um, and the work that you need to do is understand what your triggers are, or understand or heal the parts of yourself that keep coming up in the in your daily life. Yes. And once you've done that, once you go through, once you give yourself the time to heal those triggers and those those reactions that you have, it makes it obviously a lot more easy, easier for you to show up the way that you want to without being triggered, without, you know, reacting a certain way because you said something and then, you know, like you you start like those things go away, you know, like the reactions and the getting mad and like. Being a smart ass like all of those. Like, maybe not the smartest part, but like, all of those things, like, they they go away and it makes it easier for you to just show up as you want to in the relationship. I yeah, they go away I think like in my, in my view is they go away by you choosing to act different in that moment. It's in the micro moments that you begin to change how you show up. Yeah, it's in the choosing to not react when somebody when your partner tells you something in that moment that would truly, uh, continue to change your redirect your path on your being. Because we're humans, we, um, we love habitual things. We're habitual humans. And so the more that we implement things day by day, the more it becomes a habit. And then we stick to it. Yeah. Then gives us the result that you're saying. And so and I know for me that's how I had to do it is like little by little choosing to like not react or yeah, whatever. You know and I think and and you guys have to understand where I'm coming from with that. It's I used to be very passive. And so for me it was a very fine line to be passive or to choose to not react. Right. And so I used to be very passive and everything was just like la la la, whatever. Right. And but then the ship bothered me and I was holding on to things and growing resentment and all of the things. And then is when I realized like, oh, okay, this is what they mean by choosing to not react in the moment and you're able to take it in and listen. But it just means like it doesn't mean like you have to, like, not care about it or whatever. Yeah. In that moment. Right. Um, because it's very easy to be passive. And I think in our culture there's a lot of that passiveness. Yeah. There is. I think the most important thing is, um, to have fun. Yeah. To have fun with it and it like so. No, this is what I was going to say. That was just the filler. This is what I was going to say. What I was going to say is I it is a lot of work. Yeah it is I, it understand it but it's it's good work. Yeah. Yeah. And I think we say like we have, we have a negative like view on work. Right. So on the word work. So it's like I don't want to do that work. Yeah. You know but I what I wanted to say is I will 100 times do the work because I rather this feeling than the feeling of how I was before. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. I rather flow with life and have fun and not be reactive and not be triggered and like, feel sad and feel mad and all of those things. I rather feel happy and flow with life and have a great connection with the partner. Have a person in my life that knows me and I could feel safe with them and loves me unconditionally and shares their life with me, and I would rather like do what I have to do as a person. To flow in life, in our relationship, in this happy, beautiful butterfly way that people say is so cliche or whatever. I would rather that, and I would rather do the work 100 times over than going back to being reactive and having an attitude and like being, you know, all of the things. Yeah, we get defensive and we retract and we all of these things that we do as a person because they're still, you know, the traumas and the triggers that we have, the inner child and all of these things that we have to heal. Mhm. Um, but I would do the work a hundred times over because I would rather feel this way then feel that way. Yeah. Same. I heard one time on a podcast that think of it as of what an honor it is to have this person in your life where you get to be the one that holds them, that makes them feel safe, that makes them feel loved, and that makes them feel all of these things that you're mentioning. Yeah, like what an honor it is to be that person. Right. And I think a lot of people have lost that touch or not. I don't know that with what the word is, but like a lot of people have lost that like remembrance or something, you know, like I that. But that's how I see it. Yeah. Like I'm like, wow. Like, I find it such a beautiful thing that I get to be the person to be there for you and to hold you and to hug you and to love on you. And honestly, like, I love you, babe. Wow. Well that's it. Yeah. I love you too, babe. Yeah. Stay tuned for some more. Catch me on my YouTube. Yes. Once again, guys, thank you for listening. If you gain something or feel inclined to share this episode, please do so. Go to our Instagram Deep Dive In podcast that's dive in the evine and connect with us there. Comment, share, post. We appreciate the support so much and we will catch you on the next one.