EP 42 | Finding How to be Vulnerable with Each Other

In this episode, we get into the raw realness of vulnerability—what it takes to actually be open with your partner, your family, and even yourself.

We talk about how doing the inner work (you know… healing, shadow work, all the messy magic) has helped us take things way less personally—because most of the time, it’s not even about us. It’s childhood wounds. It's emotional patterning. It’s the stuff no one ever wanted to talk about at dinner.

But guess who does talk about it? Nancz. She’s the one who always names the elephant in the room, even when it’s awkward. Especially when it’s awkward. 🐘💥

We laugh about how wild it is that people can sit in silence, pretending everything’s fine, when deep down we’re all craving connection. Why not just feel it all? We’re only here once (that we know of 👽).

Let’s talk, let’s feel, let’s be real.

Keywords:

importance of vulnerability in relationships
how to have deeper conversations
emotional intimacy and healing
breaking generational silence
family communication healing
lesbian couple podcast vulnerability
inner child wounds in relationships
how to stop taking things personally
spiritual growth and openness
real talk podcast episodes

Transcript

EP 41 | Finding how to be vulnerable with eachother

 Hey guys! Welcome to the Deep Dive In podcast with Nancy and Brenda. And we are back, baby. That was a great piece. Hello. Hello. How are you? You know, I'm really good. That's. You have to cut that out. Please. Welcome back everyone. Is Cinco the drink? Oh, I'm just kidding. No, Cinco. They drink. Go here. You know what's crazy? What is that? I could see. Um, and that's funny, because I just sparked something in, like, in my mind, but back in the day. Mhm. Like, um, having the holidays, Cinco de Mayo and stuff. Um, like I find any excuse to like. Like you're just. Oh, I'll just drink. Yeah. And it was very like loud or whatever. Like everybody's celebrating like Cinco de Mayo or whatever. Mhm. Um. And I didn't feel anything for it yesterday. Yeah. Or no. Like even even the weekend. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Because it was like a Cinco de Mayo weekend and there's, like, boxing fights and like, all of these things, right? When usually I would be like, oh, where are we watching the fight? Right. Because that's like what normally. But on Saturday, for example, it was the boxing fights and we didn't watch it like we were recording our podcast. Yeah. Yeah. We were like, it was in a thing. And it's crazy because I just realized like, holy crap. Like I didn't care for it. Like I didn't care about it. Yeah. I'm like, oh, it might change. Is this is this me change? What? Did I just say something? Did I just change my life? What is going on here? I thought I literally just realized that right now. Yeah. Yeah, that's really cool. You know. Yeah. It's cool. I don't think I've ever been much of, like, a babe. You were in church for, like, ten years, bro. I know, but even in the last five years, like that's true. I haven't cared for it. It's just. It has to be a thing, you see? Like, for me, it was for all of the things were the thing. Yeah. You know. Even Saint Patrick's. Yeah. I remember you told me you guys would drink green beer. I'm like, really? It was all a thing. We would wear a green shirt like I had a suit. It was a green, like a fake suit shirt that I wanted for some Patrick's Day. Like it was. It was always a thing. Like all of the holidays. Yeah. Any, any, um, excuse really to drink. I mean, it's just be a matter of, like, where are we going? What are we who, like, where are we meeting up, you know? Yeah. I mean, that's cool, though, if that's what you like to do, you know. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm just saying that I don't feel that like I. Yeah. Yeah. Good for you. Or it wasn't like even a thought. Yeah. Which was. Which is the crazy part. Yeah. I didn't even realize it was Cinco de Mayo until I think we were sitting on the couch last night and I was like, oh, we think that might be. Yeah. Yeah. Like none of the people on my story either on Instagram or anything or like. Yeah, I think with Mario either. No, it's because it was during the weekend. I feel okay because yesterday was like one day. Yeah. So yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. But I did see some people post about it um, during the weekend, like the boxing stuff or whatever. Okay. Um, because like there's a big Canelo fight and there's always a bunch of boxing. Yeah. There was a bunch of boxing going on. Okay. Um, but yeah, so that's crazy for me. That's great. And, uh, I like it. Makes you think. It makes me feel. Um, honestly, it's, like, exciting because this is what I want. Mhm. You know that you don't feel any like ill feelings towards the fact, you know, because, uh, like, because I feel now in days I feel like those are all things to keep us like entertained. You know, like that's just the next thing. Yeah. Like that's our, that's the societal game that they've, that they created for us to like, keep us entertained. Yeah. Like always Cinco de Mayo. You know, and then all of the things that come with it, which is just to go out and drink and then, oh, there's boxing matches and like, oh, well, you go watch the boxing match to be entertained and spend all your time there. That's true. So it's like I, I feel I kind of feel like I'm start and it's I know that I know that it's still it's I'm not saying that it's a bad thing. No. You know, that's just I feel like that's just how I'm. I'm waking up to the, um. To the programming. Mhm. You know I'm, I'm. I think that's what it is. It's become more evident. Yeah. Like. Yeah. Like I'm just, I just I realize like those are the things that like I don't want to spend my time with because I want to spend my time in doing the things that I like that are going to lead me to the life that I want to live. Mhm. You know. Yeah. Um. Yeah I get it. Yeah. Yeah. So it makes me feel excited because I'm like, oh I never knew I could get here. Oh I, I never, I never believed I could get here. Oh. Do you like not to like not, um, you know, want to go out and drink or, you know, go watch boxing? Like I'm a big boxing fan? Yeah. So I never believed I could get here. Wow. It wasn't like it wasn't a thing for me to think, like. Oh, you know, like I'm gonna get out of, like, the. Yeah. Like, I don't know. I don't know. Like, it just. It was just so farfetched because, you know, I went along. Really. I went along with society's things to do. Yeah. It's not that I don't want to do them 100%. Yeah. Because I don't want to be part of, like, you know, being being, um. I'm Like, what is it like being brainwashed or whatever? Like, yeah, whatever it is. Like, it's not that. It's just that I feel I'm prioritizing now. Yeah, I'm prioritizing myself. And I didn't I never believed that I could do that. Oh, because you were so into, like, pleasing others and making sure everybody else was having a good time. Exactly, exactly. Yeah, that makes sense. That makes. Yeah. And it's so crazy because, like, um, we do tend to think like that. That's going to be our life for the rest of our life. Mhm. And the moment that you begin to like go inward and go deeper into yourself and how people say work on yourself. Um, these things that we used to do in like in a, like how do I say, like excessive drinking, let's just say. Right. It becomes more conscious to us. Like we become more conscious of it and we're like, oh, shoot. Like, why am I really doing? But it's because we're doing the work right? It's like those things all put together is what really gets us to this state. How you're saying I mean, that would make sense. Why if you why before you would think like. Oh, well, I don't think like you never pictured yourself living like this. No, I mean, I it was never even a thought. Yeah. It was like, oh well that's what we do. But then it's like, well, who's we? Yeah. You know. I mean, now that I think about it, or now that I'm on the other side or on this side of whatever. Yeah, um, the beliefs of my beliefs, I don't believe, um, like, now that I'm on this side, I feel like like. Oh, shoot. Like, you could really. You can change your life. Yeah. I can't change your beliefs. You can change your beliefs and what you do. Yeah, you can prioritize yourself to create the life that you want to live. Yes. I see it as like how, uh, you know, how sometimes people say like, oh, you outgrow your partner. I feel like we can outgrow ourselves, right? But only if we're aware of it. Yeah. Because at some point, like, you get tired of being the you that you are being in that moment, and then it's like, well, what are you going to do? Mhm. And I remember actually having those feelings. Really. Yeah. Like I remember sometimes you know going out uh or like whatever it would do. And we were like. And I would get drunk and then be hung over the next day. Then you have those feelings of like, what am I doing? Like, I could have just, you know, I don't know, done something different that it wasn't gonna let me to feel this way. And then you start feeling like The hangover blues and like your blues. Yeah, it's a thing, it's a thing. And you. You feel remorseful. You feel like. Like what? What am I doing? Especially as you get older, I feel like you start feeling those things more. But I don't know, like. But then it's also, it also like makes you if you feel that way like after a night of drinking and then the next day you feel like regretful. For example, like, if only I would have followed that, you know, like followed my regret, my regretful ness at that moment and, and kind of like dig deeper into it, like, oh, why do I feel regretful about it? You know, like, what's what is my belief about what I'm supposed to be doing? Like, I mean, but obviously our journey is our journey, and it's everything's going to happen the way it should happen. Yeah. And but it's crazy because I've. I've felt that way. You know, sometimes after drinking so much and kind of being crazy and like, all over the place, I feel like, damn, like that's I would feel disconnected to what I just did. Okay. And I would be great. I would be regretful about it. And then I was like, ah, what the hell? Like, but then I would just continue doing it. Yeah, because that's what we would do. Yeah. That's I get what you're saying. I remember, like, I mean, I have a drink all my life now you say, but like, I remember there were points where I would like I drink to, I, I say I drink too much. Because I know when I've passed the limit for myself and, um, there would be like I would be conscious about it. So there would be times where. So for all you guys listening when I drank before. Um, sometimes I get angry and I, um, and I, I kind of, like, lash out, right? And so, uh, I remember this time I was in the car, and I remember. What did you say? I'm like, she gets cray cray. Yeah. Like, I feel like I could beat somebody up if they got in my face. I'm pretty sure. But anyways, so I remember one time I was in the car and I had already had too much to drink, and I remember thinking to myself, I was like, I don't want to keep doing this. Like, I don't want this. Yeah. And I remember thinking that. And then I remember, like, I didn't really do much about it, you know? And then, uh, another time came where I drank over the limit for myself, and I felt that same way again. And so it was like a very, like reoccurring thing for me, where I was aware that I didn't want to like, drink to that extent. And I'm happy. I mean, like, now I'm more aware of, like how much I drink and stuff like that, but it's just, it's crazy, like what you're saying, because it's true. We don't act on it. We don't do anything about it. We just keep going about. Yeah, we just keep going doing the same things because it's just what we do, right? Like at the moment, it's just you. It's like your body falls into, um, autopilot and it's like, oh, it's Friday. What are we going to do? Like, let me go get some drinks and stuff or let's go somewhere. And then once you have once you have a couple of drinks in you and you just want to keep going and, you know. Um, but I feel like you have to be vulnerable with yourself. Yeah. I was going to say, I feel like it's because we don't want to be vulnerable. Yeah. Like you have to be vulnerable with yourself to. To really like, understand where the the behavior is coming from in a way. Mhm. You know like you have to like I like I, I know for me I have to be like really. Why. Like is that really what I want. Like is this really what I want. Like this. Is this the life. I never really, um, asked myself those questions. I just kept going. You know, like, you just keep going in life because that's all you have. Like, that's. I feel like. Like if you don't slow down or if you don't know how to slow down or that concept doesn't even make sense to you, then you just keep going. Yeah. You know. Oh. Whose birthday party? Whose quinceanera, whose wedding? Somebody's getting engaged, like. Or it's just because it's the weekend. It's the weekend. Yeah. Like, we just keep going and going and going, and I feel. I feel this time, this these last couple of months have allowed me to really slow down and ask myself those questions. Yeah. And I feel these last couple of months I've been vulnerable with myself where I have asked myself those questions and really like, looked deep into. Um, myself and and the things that trigger me and the things that like make me do, you know, whatever, like over drink and stuff. Um, because there is a reason for it. Mhm. There is a reason for it. Like you could do so many other things. Yeah. You know, and then we just fall into it because we feel overwhelmed or we feel depressed or we feel lonely or like all of these things. Right. Um, and then we're like, oh, well, let me just go get a drink and it's like, and no, don't get me wrong. Like, I still enjoy. Yeah. Drinking. Yeah. That's not the point. Yeah. But, like, I know that the point is to know the behavior that you're being aware of. The behavior that you're. Um, I don't know that you're currently, like, doing. Yeah. Because there's so many times I remember, like, I it would be like Thursday or something, and I would just drink like, 3 or 4 glasses of wine because I didn't want to feel vulnerable. To feel all of the crap that I was actually feeling. Yeah. You know, and I'd be like. And I like, you know, the kids are here and I. And like life. And it gets overwhelming and it gets overwhelming. And you just are like, I'm going to just sit down and watch TV and drink a glass of wine. But then a glass of wine turned into like two, three, four glasses of wine bottle, a whole bottle. And then it's like, oh shit, why did I do that? Yeah. And then it's like. And then that's when how you're saying, for me, I would come in and be like, oh yeah, I was really actually I was feeling very overwhelmed yesterday, and I just didn't tell my partner that I was feeling overwhelmed. And so I just decided to drink the wine to numb out the overwhelming feelings. And so, like, that's that's how it is. It's real life. Yeah. That's literally what happens. Yeah, all the time. It's like you don't you don't want to have that conversation and be vulnerable with your partner or whoever and whoever, um, that you're just like, let's just go get some drinks. Yeah. Or whatever. Yeah. You know, and you just kind of, like, passively continue on with life without talking about how you're feeling. Um, and those feelings may very well start, like bottling up and then you have a freaking rage or something. But it's the. I feel like it's the vulnerability about it. Like we don't want to, um. We don't want to be, you know, we we don't want to be vulnerable or we don't want to cry, and we don't want to be like, oh, I'm feeling this way. I'm feeling overwhelmed. We just suck it up. Mhm. Right. And then I mean it goes with like how we were raised I feel because it's like no you have to keep going. Yeah. And also and it sucks like if you are feeling overwhelmed and you and you have a partner but your partner doesn't know how to be there for you. Yeah that too, you know, like that also sucks because then like, you really don't express it. Yeah. Because if you do express it, then they're just like, why are you crying? Or like, what's wrong with you? Yeah. And it's like, whoa, nothing's wrong with me, bro. But that sounds like you experienced that because. No. Or maybe I did, actually. I experienced it a lot. But anyways, where did you. When did you experience that? Um, in previous relationships. Let's talk about it. Did you ever experience that? I experienced, I experienced that, but it was on my own. It was my own thing. Yeah. In, in. I mean, I feel like it's our really in our relationship. I feel like I've been like that to where I just closed off. Yeah. Um, when I just closed off, and I just. I don't want to share how I'm feeling because a lot of the times, like, for me, I feel I get in my head about whatever. Like, if I feel overwhelmed or something, um, I just get in my head about it and I'm aware that I'm in my head about it. So I just like, try to be by myself to process it and to, like, get over it. So I don't share it with you that I'm doing that. And so I, like, seclude myself. And I know in some instances it's been like, whoa, what's wrong with like, what's wrong? And you come in to tell me, like, are you okay? Like, what's wrong? And I'm like, just leave me alone or whatever I say. And I know that also causes, like, friction. But that's what I mean by like, it's been my own thing because I've always just secluded myself and tried to deal with my overwhelm or whatever I'm feeling. Try to feel it, feel it and and process it on my own. Mhm. And I think that comes from my childhood. Like yeah it does that literally like as a kid I remember if I was feeling some type of way, um, because I was the youngest for quite some time until my little brother was born. But we were 11 years apart. So for a lot of time I was the youngest in our family. So I remember like having if I felt some type of way, if I was crying or something like it was just like I was by myself, you know, um, there wasn't a lot of, uh, compassion or empathy or, um, nurturing Or. Yeah. You know any of those things from my parents? Yeah. And that is essentially what causes like. Um. Doctor Gabor made me or Matty my last name, but the what causes the trauma is the fact that there was not an adult there present to help you process the emotions or whatever you went through. Right. So that's what causes the trauma. It's not necessarily the act that was done, but it's the fact that you had nobody to be able to rely on to feel safe or to feel listened to. And um, and so and I, and I understand that like so at first I remember like in our relationship, I used to cause a lot of friction because I would take it personally. Yes. Because I wouldn't understand, like, I wouldn't I didn't understand you. Right. And then as I did the work for myself, I learned how to not take things personal. And then I saw it as, oh, it's just little Nancy, you know, needing her space, and it's little Nancy, like, this is what, how she grew up. And so all I can then give is compassion and understanding. Right. You know, and but it's like, um. It's like today, like I was telling you about, you know, how I was feeling. Vulnerable. Um, it sometimes is. It's a scary feeling when you realize that you're being vulnerable. Yeah. Like when you realize, like, for example, like if if you were to, um, instead of, like, close yourself off and seclude yourself, right. And process the, the thoughts that are going through your mind. Um, if you were to instead express those out, you would feel extremely vulnerable. Yeah. By just saying them. And it's in that moment where we feel like, oh shit, what am I doing? And so for me, vulnerability was kind of the same. Like as you growing up. Like it was just I couldn't express things. I couldn't, you know, be emotional in a sense. And I think I learned to be a hard ass, like, have a shell on the outside. And to the point where, like my sister, who's very emotional and she lets her emotions flow, like I would be like, what is wrong with you? Like, why are you crying? Like, stop crying. Right. And I found her very annoying before because she had emotions. Yeah. Yeah. But it was like, at least for me, I was the oldest or I am the oldest, and it's just like, um, it's kind of like, as if the oldest is expected to not have emotions. Yeah. I feel like the oldest says to a girl. Like thicker skin. Yeah. Yeah. But because not only are you, um, it's kind of like you're born to be a second parent without knowing it. Yeah. And I like my sister. I feel that that's the case with her as well. Yeah. Because you you can feel like, you know, that you can go to her. Yeah. For things. Yeah. Probably more than you can't hear mom 100%. Yeah. And I feel like my siblings feel the same way, because they do come to me about things, you know? And, um, and so it's just like, it's crazy to be put in that position at a very early age. And like when people say, oh, she's so mature, you know, like, really don't like me. I just had to grow up and not play and not have people say that as a compliment to kids. Like. Oh, you. You're so mature for your age. Yeah, and it's almost as if it's a compliment, but it's like, no, it shouldn't be that way. Yeah, no, it shouldn't be that they have to mature at eight years old because they're the oldest. No. Like my nine year old. Like, I do not expect her to be a mature nine year old, but I know she's becoming that way at her other parent's house or at her dad's house and like how she's growing up there, you know, and it's a constant reminder here in our house to be like, it's okay to be a kid. It's okay to play right? Like it's okay. But it's it's that like once again, it's like, oh, she's probably like, well, can I be vulnerable enough here? Yeah. To be myself. What? People still love me if I'm myself. Yeah. It's creating that safe space for someone. Because I know for me, like, you've created that safe space because of the work that we've done together and individually, I feel that we both created that safe space for each other to be able to feel like, share our vulnerability. Um, and in the moments that we could. And I think the more we work on ourselves, the more vulnerable we can be with each other. Um, because we, we create that safe space for each other to share with each other exactly how we're feeling in the in the moment. Like, I know sometimes that you feel overwhelmed or whatever the case may be like, I ask you, like, do you need some time? By yourself. Yeah. And then you're like, yeah, I think I need like a couple of minutes by myself, like before bed or something like okay. I mean, but it's the, it's, it's that like creating that space for each other. And it's crazy because I mean, I would think talking about it now, like talking about how my childhood was and like, oh shit. Yeah, that's the reason why I am the way I am. And I seclude and I, um, digress. And I isolate myself because I process things because there was no safe space. Right? There was no safe space to be like, um, I'm feeling this way. Yeah. And there still isn't. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, there isn't for some reason, like, for some reason or another, like, you know, the dynamic of, of families sometimes just doesn't we, we just don't know how to. Yeah. You know, like, I don't we don't know how to be vulnerable with each other. That's why we just don't talk about it. Yeah, we don't talk about anything. It's the elephant in the room. Yeah, like we just don't talk about anything. I was having this conversation with my sister. How? We just don't talk about anything. And sometimes I'm like, damn, I don't really know my siblings anymore. I don't really know my mom anymore, because obviously we don't live together anymore. Right? So it's kind of different. We don't have the relationship with each other. Like, I love like we love each other. Yeah, we're there for each other no matter what. You know, like, I know that that's a fact, right? Um, it's the closeness of, like, knowing each other, you know? Like, I don't know. I don't know how my sister's day, how her work is going, you know, or how she's feeling or how my brother's feeling. Um, my other brother, how he's feeling. And, like, I don't know any of these things. And I would like to know because I feel like I'm a very vulnerable person. Yeah. You are. Maybe you're the one that needs to start it. Yeah. That's another. That's another lake. Another thing. But it's true. We're not doing that. There always has to be like. I mean, it is it is different. Like there is a different type of closeness when we decide to open ourselves up to that extent. Yeah. And when we decide to, um, keep moving forward in that vulnerability. Yeah. You know, kind of like how how like I said earlier, it was just like, oh, when you feel you're being vulnerable, like, do you decide to keep moving that way? You know, to keep being vulnerable in your day to day and not just like, oh, well, nope. I'm not going to be vulnerable with anybody. Yeah. And just close it up. You know, what's interesting is that a lot of the times that we've been my my family or my siblings, when I take family, I talk about like my immediate family, right? My siblings, my mom, my dad. But we've been vulnerable with each other. But when we're drunk. Yeah. And I, I mean, that's that's really what happens. You know? I love you, man. Yeah. Like, we start sharing ourselves with each other when we're drunk. That's crazy. Yeah. It's crazy. And I actually always been I've always been the one to say how I'm feeling. Oh, like within my family. Like first. Yeah, first. Like I would say like sometimes it. Because it would be because I could feel it. Yeah. Like I could feel the, um, elephant in the room, or I could feel tension or whatever. The cases happen, like whatever's happening, I'm the first one to always say something or like, break the ice or something because it just feels so like, oh, yeah. And I'm just like, you're the vibe check girl. Yeah. And because I feel it and I can't hold it in. Yeah. Like it's very hard for me to stay quiet. I start sweating like I can't. It's funny. Yeah, like it's a thing. Like I can't stay, like, if I'm in a table and it just feels so weird and awkward. Yeah. Like, I just can't, like, hold myself. I'd be like, hey, so what's going on? Like what? Yeah. You know, I, I have to break the ice, and I have to, because I can't stay in that. It makes me feel so. I probably feel like I have, like, a panic attack or something. Oh, wow. But I've always been like that with, like, my family. Mhm. That we're hanging out and it's like everybody's quiet or if everybody's on their phone or whatever, I'm always the one to be like all right you guys want to play a game. Like what are we doing. Like what is going on. Like we're not just gonna sit here together on our phones. Like, come on. I feel like they're everybody's journey, right? Like, we're all living our individual journey. And at the end of the day, I feel it comes down to. You can only do so much. Right. Because you said, like, oh, maybe you should be the one to like, I'm always going to be the one. Yeah, I'm always going to. Because I feel like that's just the way I am. I'm going to talk about the shit that people don't want to talk about. Yeah, because that's just the way I am. Because I feel like, come on, guys, let's fucking talk about it like this. That's why we talk about we started deep diving. Yeah, because it's like we need to talk about this shit. We can't just keep it inside anymore. We need to be vulnerable with each other. We need to tell each other, like, you know how we're feeling because, like, we're gonna die. Yeah. Point blank. Guys, we're gonna die. We're gonna not exist one day. Yeah, and I would rather know who. I would rather know who my family was and how they're feeling and how you know, how they felt, or about certain things and like then not. Mhm. Cuz I feel like we all came here to learn from each other. Yeah. And we and with, with not having those relationships and not being vulnerable with each other like we're not learning shit, we're just like my mindlessly living life without that connection, that deep connection to other people like that. I feel like that's what we're here for. We're here to have that deep connection when somebody passes away that you love, that you didn't have a deep connection with, but you obviously love them so much. Like you kind of feel regretful for it. You feel like, damn, I should have really expressed myself. I should have really told them how I feel. And I rather just do that now that we're able to. Let's just fucking feel the things together. Let's talk about it. Let's let's hug it out. Let's fucking share the emotions. Yeah, I think I think you ended it for us, babe. Because yeah, yeah. Share it guys. Share it once again guys, thank you for listening. If you gain something or feel inclined to share this episode, please do so. Go to our Instagram Deep Dive In podcast. That's dive in the I v I n and connect with us there comment share post. We appreciate the support so much and we will catch you on the next one.