EP 48 | Going in Deep with Grief, and How it Turns Into Love

Grief has layers — and in this episode, we go there. Whether it's the grief that comes from losing someone we love, the quiet ache of a friendship that fades, or the bittersweet end of a romantic chapter… grief shows up in ways we don’t always expect. And it doesn’t follow a timeline. It arrives like a wave — and sometimes, it knocks you off your feet.

In this conversation, we open up about how we’ve navigated grief in all its forms — from death, to endings, to simply outgrowing relationships. We talk about the moments where grief cracked us open… and how those very same cracks became portals to love, softness, and deeper understanding.

This is your reminder that grief isn’t just about pain — it’s about the depth of love that was there. It’s about honoring your own emotions, not rushing through them, and learning to ride the waves as they come. You are not alone in it.

If you're grieving something (or someone), or have ever felt the fog of heartbreak and wondered when the sun would return — this episode is for you. 💛

🎧 Listen now on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts. And don’t forget to follow us on Instagram and YouTube to stay connected and join the community.

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Transcript

EP 48 | Going in Deep with Grief, and How it Turns Into Love

 Hey guys! Welcome to the Deep Dive In podcast with Nancy and Brenda. And we are back, baby. You just stared at me. You got it. I got it. I got it. Hey, babe. Hi. Hello. Okay, there we go. Hello. Hey, everyone. Everyone listening in? Thank you for being here with us. Um, today is, uh. It's not gonna lie. It feels a little weird for me. Mhm. Um, what is that today? Well, unfortunately, my cousin passed away on Friday. Mhm. Suddenly, um. Unexpected. Lee. And that's a word. Mhm. And it's crazy because it's like, it's a, uh, it's a roller coaster of emotions. And I think sometimes they come in like. In faces. Like we lost the day. Yeah. In waves throughout the day. So. So today, I mean, obviously, as you guys know, in our podcast, like, we're always sharing our lives and the things that we are currently going through. And we like to talk about those things and obviously a deep way. Right. And again, also bringing different like perspectives. So this is kind of going to be, you know, one of those episodes that um, I feel, um, is going to be sad because I feel like sadness comes with that grief, I guess, like the stigma of it. Right. Mhm. Um, you always associate one with the other. Yeah, I feel so. You automatically feel it. Yeah. When somebody says the word grief you just feel like, uh, the cloud come over you and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Or somebody tells you, you know, oh, you know, this person passed away or I lost this or whatever the, the grief or whatever it is that, you know, life has presented you with the situation. Um, yeah. You feel like the sadness of it all. Um, so I, I was saying, I was saying, like, it's just it may be a little somber. Yeah, right. Like just the tone. Because I feel like. I'm okay to talk about it, but then some like then I feel this like pain in my chest. It's still pretty raw. Yeah, yeah yeah. It's going to be a very raw episode. Ah, that's. Yeah, I said all of that for you to say that. You gave the definition. Yeah. Word. Yeah. Working backwards here, guys. Working backwards here. But my beautiful cousin was is an amazing person. Um, he was family first all the time. Um, his boys were his life, his family unit, like his wife, my aunt and his boys. Or my cousin. Actually, she would be my cousin. Um, it was his life. Yeah, he was very dedicated, very family man. He's a family man. And. Yeah, it's a hard one. It's definitely a hard one because he's very close to you guys. Yeah. To you too? Yeah. Um, his brother had recently passed away. My other cousin passed away in September. And I was there with him. You know, like going through that grief that was his only brother going through that loss. But I honestly like in having this conversation in this episode and talking about the grief and like that, what we go through as humans, um, when we do lose somebody or when we even when we lose like a relationship or even when we lose, like you said, a former person, a former, a former version of ourselves. Like all of those situations bring this grief moment. Yeah. Or grief, um, together. So I feel like for me, I understand or I see death differently than I did before. Obviously before it was just like, oh fuck. Like somebody passed away. And it was very painful and very hurtful. Like when my little cousin passed away. When I was 15 and I was very close to him. I felt like a victim because I felt like he was taken away from me. Yeah. You know. Yeah. And I was unfair. Right. And I understood. And I obviously didn't understand much then. Right. Um, and but that was my view. My point of view of death. Right. And, like, feeling like a victim because somebody was taken away from me. Mhm. And in. And now as an adult I'm an adult now I'm 40 years old guys. I was telling Brenda the other side note, I was telling Brenda the other day how uh, she was like, how do you feel, you know, being 40. And I'm like, honestly, I feel like I'm an adult now. Like, life is making sense, you know? And I'm taking my life in my own hands. You know, I'm following my passion is I'm learning and being aligned with who I am. Like, so I feel like I'm an adult now at 40. And I understand things well, understanding things and also being aware of like how we really actually take ourselves or put ourselves in this victim mentality. Mhm. Um, and then we keep living from there. Mhm. In all of the situations. Yeah. You know because we don't, we don't know any different. And once you start, like paying attention to those things or being aware of of yourself and who you are once you start like healing yourself and going through that process, I think is when you start learning the different ways of of reacting to the life experiences. Mhm. For example, like my cousin passing away suddenly hurts like it hurts because he's no longer physically going to be here. Right. But the way I see death now is like, I understand that I have to make a way for him like I have to. His soul is always going to be with me. His the memories and the and the like. Like. So I feel him, I feel him. Like sometimes I feel him. Like hugging me and stuff. Mhm. Like I still feel him. I'm always gonna feel him and I feel like that's. It's supposed to teach you or you, you're supposed to make way for them to their soul to go. To go on. Go on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because we were energies, right? Yeah. We're energies. Our bodies, like, are like how people, uh, believe in that. We have a soul, right? That's an energy. And so it's connected. It's tied to that person. You've built an energetic tie to that person. And what happens is, and I've when I say when I'm saying this, I'm saying this because of, um, previous experiences that like Reiki masters or Reiki practitioners have shared with me when they go to hospitals of people that are ready to leave this earth, that are ready to leave their body. Um, and so what I've, what I have heard is that when they go and like, do Reiki on the people that are ready to leave, a lot of the times what they find is that they are unable to make that transition back to where they came from, because the family here on Earth is still holding onto them. And so that's what I mean by the energetic tie. Right? And so, yes, like I told you, I'm like, you're going to be sad. You you need to allow yourself to feel that sadness and that heaviness of emotions that is going to come and go and come and go like waves in an ocean. Right? And a lot of the times people stop themselves from feeling that, and they try to move on so fast without really realizing that they could possibly not be allowing that person that passed on to fully like, just go and be right peacefully. Yeah, and it's very interesting to be here on this side as your partner, like supporting you through this experience for you, which you've been amazing, by the way. Oh, thanks. Because it's very difficult to see your partner like grieving. Right. And on my end, I've experienced grief in different ways. I have yet to experience it on actually physically losing somebody. And, um. That's so crazy. Yeah. And so that's actually one of the things that I wanted to ask you is like, how do you feel that this experience of grief. Has differed from your previous experiences of grief when it comes to losing somebody. I know you shared like your perspective of death has changed and so has. Do you feel that that has also influenced how you now experience grief, the fact that you now see death differently? Yeah, yes. Of course. Um, but it it's kind of confusing sometimes too, because it's like, am I trying to move on? Like, am I in my psyche, myself out because I don't want to feel the hurt. Mhm. Right. And like and saying to myself like it's okay. Yeah. Like he's always going to be there for me or he's always going to be there with me. Like sometimes it's like, am I saying those things to myself, psyching myself out because I don't want to hurt or hurt, you know? Um, but then I believe in that though. Like, I believe at the same time, I believe that it's going to be okay. And. I understand that, um, we choose like, I believe that we choose when we want to leave. Yeah, our soul chooses where we want to leave because you've you have came all like you've you came. You completed your life experience in whatever moment. Yeah. For whatever reason, you chose that moment to leave. Um, and I believe that. Right? I believe that when anybody passes away, they chose to pass away. They they chose no matter how it was, whether they were killed, whether they were in an accident, like, no matter what it was, I believe that they chose for that to happen. Um, and I know it sounds crazy and I know, like, it's very, you know, out there. Yeah, but, I mean, you have to obviously, I say that and my belief in that is just based on, you know, um, doing my research, more research on, like, the afterlife and more research and people that I follow that I believe, you know, are doing great work in those fields and that share their experiences. Like you have people that channel and like, um, Reiki masters, right? That you that I follow that teach you like they teach these things like and how to open how open the energy field for their soul to transition because sometimes they also want to have connection with the life, like even though they chose to die in that moment, their connections to the physical person or like their loved ones, their kids, for example, like they establish these connections. So sometimes their their soul is connected to them and they're not allowing themselves to leave because, um, it's the connection that that was made. Yeah. And I mean, I don't know how else to explain it. It's very hard to explain if, if you're obviously this is also something, you know, a, a new way that I feel about death and these the, the experience of it all. Um. Or kind of just knowing this information now, like when my cousin passed away, when my other cousin passed away in September, um, I was I was at his casket, first of all, like before it was, it was like horrifying to me to see somebody, like, laying in the casket, like I would never go up. I remember you told me that, like, when we had first met. Yeah. I was like, oh, do you go see them? You're like, no, I would never know. And you had said, because you don't want to remember them. I don't yeah. And I and but also um, you see I have a big family. Yeah. Both my mom and my dad's side. Yeah. I feel like the four years that we've been together, you and I. Yeah. I mean, how many frickin funerals I have? I have I gone to, uh, like, every year there's unfortunately, you know, 1 or 2 family members that pass away like my uncle, but I close my grandma passed away like, close, obviously. Like, because I have a big family from both my mom and my dad's side. And so I have been. Presented or I have experienced death since I was little because like my grandma passed my mom's mom, she passed away when I was like 5 or 6 or something like that. Um, and we used to. And in Mexico, it was a thing for, um, like the family to stay, like, all night and, you know, like, stay. Yeah. So we would stay there with them in the casket open, uh, and I was like, 5 or 7, you know, like, I was little. And since then, um, like my mom, or they would make me, like, go see her, like, go see them. Uh, whether it be my grandma, my uncles, like, they wouldn't make us go see, like. No, like I'm like, well, no. Yeah. And it was just like a thing, you know? Yeah. And I had my experience. That was when I went to El Salvador for my great grandma's burial, and they drove on and, um. Yeah, her casket was there and it was at her house, and they had her in a casket in her house. Yeah. And I was like, oh, this is interesting. Yeah. Our experience but in our Mexican culture. It's crazy because I feel they like we make it horrifying because I know well, because like, um, I remember like when we when we would be there, like all night. Yeah, throughout the night, like my aunts or my cousins would start, like, saying scary stories and shit. Like it was horrifying. Oh my gosh. So I think it was a combination of all of that. That was like like I was horrified of, like death at that point because of all of these things. But I was saying when my cousin passed away in September, I was at his casket with my with my car, with my, um, cousin Frank that passed away on Friday like it was his brother, his only brother. And I was there with him and he was, like, touching him and like, he was like, touching his hair, like touching him. And I didn't feel scared at all. Yeah. Like I was there with him and I was telling him not to touch him. I'm like, bro, stop touching him. Um. And I didn't feel scared or I didn't feel like anything. Yeah, I felt the opposite, actually. I was holding his his presence in my heart like I was holding him. His love. Like. Like love. Yeah. You know, like. And kind of telling him, like, it's okay. Like you're. You're good. Now your family's going to be good. Kind of just in my mind and in my soul. And just, like, sending that vibration. Mhm. Um, in that, in that place because everybody's, you know like mourning. Yeah. Lots of sad grief and stuff. So I was trying to or I was like just sitting in love. Yeah. And I think that's the difference. You know, the difference is that when somebody passes away it hurts so much. Mhm. And we get stuck in that hurt in that sadness. Um, and we kind of distance ourselves from the love. Yeah. And There's I know that there's been some like I know for myself when my little cousin passed away when I was 15. I hold that grief for a lot of years and that I didn't know that I hadn't processed it. And it keeps you, like, in this loop of sadness and like, you don't know why your life is not moving forward or not moving on or you, you just stuck in a cycle, but you don't know that you're stuck. Yeah. And then when I started doing when I started my healing, my actual like, healing journey and looking in and like, understanding where all of this comes from or who I am and all of that I was able to see like, like, oh, shit. Like my, my little cousin played a part in my life. Mhm. And I've been holding his passing as something that happened to me instead of holding his life as something that happened for me, something that you got to experience. Exactly. Yeah. And I got to experience that love, that bond. Like. You know, with him and and his happiness and his his joy for life. Even though he was going through cancer at eight years old, he was eight, like he was little, going through surgeries and medical and like not being like having a tube on his throat, like all of these medical things. And he was just happy all the time. He was just so I'm like, holy. Like I got to experience that. Yeah, I think he wanted me to be there with him all the time. Um, and so I'm like, I got to experience that. And it was beautiful. Mhm. And so I think that's like the difference that yeah it sucks. It's sad. Like it's a pain. It's going to be there because of the connection right. That we have with with the people around us that we love. Um but it's, it's important for us to move from the sadness to the love. Yeah. And understand like. This person was in my life and they showed me love. And there was good times when we were together and we would, you know, we would joke around and we would like it was their presence. And our hanging out was amazing. Right. And I'm gonna hold on to that love and live from that. Yeah. And give that back to to whatever other relationships I have. Right. I think grief is a huge experience that us humans get to experience, because we really are here just to experience things. We're here to experience all of the emotions. And I think we tend to forget that sometimes because like you said, we feel that pain and we feel the the heartache, the all of the things. Right. And I like I read about grief, right. As far as like losing a loved one. I've experienced grief in different ways, but like one of the things that I read is that grief is the opportunity for you to transform that energy into love, to expand the capacity that you have to hold that emotion in your being and then transmute it into love. And because it's exactly how you're saying it's. Oh, shoot. I lost my little kid. Your little cousin? You're the cousin that just passed away, right? And what you are doing is you are giving yourself the opportunity to feel the sadness, the the ache that comes with losing the physical body. But now you're transmuting that into, oh my God, I got to experience their joy for love, for life. I got to experience their happiness. I got to experience, um, the love that they had for their family. Right. Um, or like your little cousin, the love that he had for you. Like, you got to experience that. And that is what I mean by now. You are transforming it into love. And that is what becomes a catalyst for your life. Um, if you if you allow yourself the opportunity to actually transform that and not, like you said, stay stuck in the pain or in the victim state. Because, for example, I've experienced grief after divorce, right? And because there's a grieving that comes with that and there's like a there is like this whole, um. There's this whole like, I don't even know how to explain it, but you grieve like the person that you were in that relationship and everything that was in that relationship. Right? And it's not even necessarily just for divorce, just like a romantic partnership or friendship in general. You grieve it. And so, like, I know grief from that standpoint because I had to, in a sense, grieve the relationship, but also grieve the person that I thought I had to be, but really was not me. Right. So that's also a grieving of a former self. And then there's also a grieving of like, oh shit, like the family stuff, right? Yeah. But there are a lot of people that stay stuck in the victim state of, well, now I'm a single mom and that has always been for me. I'm like, no, I will never be a person that says I'm a single mom because that to me is I am still telling myself that I am the victim of the choices that I chose to make. And it's like, I don't I don't want to put that label on myself like I'm not a single mom. I am a mother to my children. And that's it. And you mean so you mean like calling yourself like. Or putting that label on yourself? Pretty much signifies. Or kind of, like, comes with the energy of, like, I don't do it on myself. I have to okay. Got it. And it and that's like, that's not the case. Like, yeah, I understand there may be mothers out there that like they have their kids and they got out of a relationship and all that stuff, and they work to support their kids. And maybe they don't have anybody to help them with their kids. Right. But I feel that putting the word single on yourself pretty much confirms to your brain that, yes, you are single. And yes, nobody is here to help you. So you have to do it all yourself. And that is how I see that word. And so that's why I never said that. I never was like, I'm a single mom now. Like, no, like I'm like, I'm just a mom to my kids. Yeah. It's just putting another label on yourself. Yeah. You know, like, we already hold all these labels or whatever, but, like, I guess it's putting another label that and. Actually, it's actually more than a label to me. Yeah, to me it's more kind of like a negative connotation. Yeah. Yeah. Because you. Because, like, I'm very big on the subconscious in my brain and, like, what would I say? My brain believes. And that is how our brain works, by the way. It's not just like woo woo. Like it's science. And and so I remember when I had first gotten separated, I had told myself, I'm like, I'm not a single mom. Like, I'm a mom who's here to to support her kids and keep moving on with life. Yeah. But I feel like that's why life becomes so hard sometimes for women that are just with them and their kids, because they put that on themselves, like, oh, I'm a single mom and I have nobody to take care of my kids and all of the things and, you know, but and this could be a very. Yeah. Tough topic. Yeah. For people to see because everybody has their own perspective on it. Well, I think it's just like but it's my perspective. Yeah. Like in our society, it just got it picked up right? Yeah. Like people, women that got divorced or whatever. Like I'm a single mom or I'm a single dad. Yeah. Like, they they both hold the same, like, kind of label on themselves and kind of like a, um, I feel like a negative energy because you're kind of saying like, like, oh, there's nobody like you said, then nobody's there to help me out or whatever. But that's honestly like a whole another whole episode. We're talking about grief here. Yeah, babe. Yeah. Sorry. So you're excited about the single mom? Cause I want my women to be like. No, like I got this, you know, not from a hustle or, like, anything. But anyways, that'll be for another day, guys. Um. And so. Yeah, like grieving, but grieving the divorce relationship. Grieving the divorce relationship. But you know what, church. Here's one thing. That church. I'm like, okay, church. You know, one thing I learned about death in church, death was a very happy thing in church. Death was celebrated in church. And that's because they knew that their soul was going to heaven. Right. So because you went to church. Because I went to church. Right. So I went to church for the people that don't know. No. So. Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry to interrupt. Let me just get this straight. So when you're saying that in church, it like if a church member. Yes. Passed away? Yeah. Then the congregation. Yeah. Celebrated the death. The death? Because they knew that he was. He she was going to heaven because they were like church. They follow the church doctrine. Wow. Right. But how? I saw it. Because the first time I experienced the death was the death of one of the pastor's wives. Mhm. And it was like this huge celebration of life. Right? No they didn't, they had a choir. But it was this celebration of her life and what she did and who she was, and she was honored and remembered in so many ways. Yeah, right. And then at the end, like, everybody danced at the same time. They cried and everybody celebrated. And I remember being there like standing there. And I remember just looking at everybody because it was my first death that I had experienced like this. That you knew celebration, right? And I was like, wow. I said, this feels really good because it was morning, but in a different way. Yeah. And after, like, I left church, I like thought about that because I was like, oh my God. Like that was a celebration of their life and all of who they were here on earth. And now the people are like, yeah, they're sad because, like, she was, she was great. But they were like, I know where my mom is or I know where so-and-so is. And they had like that comfort of knowing that her soul was okay. And I think about taking that. But outside of the church religious aspect, if we were to see death in that same way and celebrate the life of the person when they have left the earth or their body, I should say like sitting in that comfort and the satisfaction and knowing that their soul is always there next to us. Yeah, because now they have become an ancestor. Right, right. They have transitioned into now being our ancestor and our guide or our guardian angel, and I think. That seeing it in that light completely changes it, at least for me. And 100%, I know you and I have talked about like, oh, if I like, I were to die when we're together, this is what I want, right? Yeah. And I'm like, I want people to have a party. Like, I want people to celebrate. And I like. And I feel like that's what our culture has transmuted to is celebration of life. Mhm. Because even people that are not in the church like, um, I've gone to celebrations of life. Yeah. That's obviously different than, you know, going to a funeral. Like. Yeah. Um, so yeah, I feel like our, our culture has kind of transitioned to just like the not focusing on just the passing away and like the, the sadness of it. Mhm. But I feel like there is like some people that do celebrations of life rather than because I, I agree like I feel for me like I would love, I would love people to fucking have a big ass party. Yeah. Like, I want you to have a big ass party with Mariachi Banda. I want you to go all out. Yeah. Not just, um, and, um. Yeah. And, like, be happy. Like, I don't want people to be sad. I mean, you say that like I know my cousin, for example, a bunch of, um. I know he like. I know he wants us to be like, we talked about this, actually. Oh, um, I know he would just want us to be happy. Like he wouldn't want us to be sad. Um. He wouldn't. Yeah. Um, but it's, you know, it's a natural thing for us to be sad. Yeah. Because we're it, it's it's sad. Mhm. Um, but I would want that same thing. I would want people like I know it's going to be sad you know, because I'm amazing. Duh. But I would want everybody to be happy. Yeah. But again it's, it's understanding. It's going from the sadness of losing somebody to going from the love and happiness of, um, experiencing or having that relationship with someone. Right? It's refocusing instead of like, feeling sad and, and, um, staying in that grief is kind of changing that to wow, I that was an amazing person. And I got to experience them and I got to share in that love. And then you and then you stay in that, um, like. I know that my cousin, my cousin's attributes and the person that he was is somebody that I aspire to be to the level of dedication that he had as a family man. I would like I want to hold those attributes. I look up to that. Mhm. With the girls for example. Mhm. You know like be there for them. Yeah. Show them new things and show them life things. Yeah. And and he taught me that. Mhm. And I look up for and I and it's like those things I feel is what we lose track of because we stay focused on the pain and the grief. Mhm. And like I said I think it's transitioning from being in pain and the hurt to like fuck. Like I know he's not physically here anymore and yeah fucking sucks and it hurts. But he left me so much. Mhm. And that's what I choose to focus on. Yeah. The fucking good times that we had, the love that he showed me and the attributes that I aspire to have that he demonstrated to me. Yeah. Like. Yeah. And I think it goes for. I think it goes for anything. Like for any like in your life experiences, you're going to lose people that you love. You're going to lose moms, dads, friendships, friendships, relationships that you thought were going to last forever. And it's gonna fucking hurt. Yeah, it's gonna fucking hurt. And sometimes you're not even going to understand it, and you probably will never understand it. But you have to carry or you have to understand that that experience happened to you for a reason. And you take what you learned from that experience, and you transmuted into just the love that you had and felt in that moment. And you live in that love and you demonstrate that love in your life to anybody else that comes across you. Yeah. And I think that's the most important thing, because with everything going on right now. Like, imagine if everybody just loved each other. Mhm. But there wouldn't be anything that we're going through right now. Mhm. Yeah. Like that's it. Yeah. And people say like oh you're so delusional thinking like oh if you just love each other. Well that's where the little shift needs to occur is in you actually believing and thinking like yes, we can all love each other. At the moment that everybody decides to, like, flip that switch and be like, yes, we actually can all love each other despite whatever, like things people use nowadays, right? Yeah. Um, then that's what starts to shift things. And that's the same with grief is. Yes. You experience the sadness. Yes. You let yourself cry. You let yourself, like, literally just sit there and just let the tears flow. And you allow yourself to move the emotion and the feeling through your whole being. And once you allow yourself to do that, then flip that little switch and think of the memory that they brought you of joy, the memory that they brought you of love, the memory of excitement, the memory of happiness that they brought to your being now. Yeah. And, um, and, and and the gratitude for the experience. Right. There's so many people that don't get to experience that they don't get to experience looking at the blue sky. They don't get to experience the wind brushing up against their skin. Right. Yeah. And so, like. It's that's when the flip of that switch occurs. And you that is what is called the transmuting of grief into love. And you further expanding your capacity for grief. And now, in a sense, like, I know it sounds weird, but like you'll be able to handle more of it the more you allow yourself to do that. Yeah, definitely don't want to handle anymore, but I'm just kidding. But I understand it's for my greater extension. Human experience. Human experience 101. Yeah, yeah. Like you, when these things happen, like I feel depending on where you are in your, in, in your life, I feel or depending on how you view life. Right. Yeah. Because it really comes from that like all of the experiences that we occur, whether it be losing somebody or whether it be getting a flat tire, like your reaction to those things, they're always going to be the way your life is. Yeah. Like if you think about it, the way you react to the life experience and the things that come your way, however bad or good they are. Mhm. Like that's the way your, your life is. Mhm. So if you're reacting to a flat tire like a victim and like why is this happening to me. Like I mean I know that it sucks. Yeah. That's the thing. Like you can be in that human experience and be like fuck this sucks. But don't get stuck. There is the thing. Yeah. And I think that's the biggest part of the life experiences that we go through is I feel that. The not getting stuck is the most important piece of the lesson. Mhm. Because if you just get stuck there you're never going to continue to evolve. Like you're going to continue to like have the same thing happen to you because you're just stuck in this sadness and victim mentality and like and you're stuck in that. Mhm. Once you start seeing life in a form of expansion and not saying like, why is this happening to me? And you start saying like, what am I to learn from this. Mhm. You see the two different questions there. Why. What am I to learn from this. Yeah. What is what is trying to what is how is my life trying to expand right now because of this situation. You know so you start like I, I start moving differently and I start living my life differently because of these questions that I'm asking myself now are more for expansion, because I understand that everything that's happening in my life and the experiences that I'm going through are to help me be a better version of myself. That's right. And so when you start living life in that way. As hard as it may seem because you just love somebody that you loved physically. Mhm. Like you, you start your life starts being different. Yeah. You start flowing different. Yeah. I know my cousin is going to be with me forever. And it's crazy because his last message to me was on Thursday. The Friday before that he passed. Um, and he, I sent him a picture that my mom sent me when I was a little baby, and my grandma was holding me, and my cousin was standing right next to my grandma. And I told him, I'm like, look, you you were there with me since I was little or since I was a little baby. Yeah. And then he was like, he put, oh, that's my Nana. And then he's like, he's like, I will be there always. Because no matter what. That's his last message to me. Thursday at 7:46 p.m.. He passed away. Friday at 11:52 p.m.. What a fucking message. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like forever? Yes. That's a moment in life. In time. The last thing that he. Said to me and he shared with me, just confirms the love that we could share with each other. Mhm. You know. Mhm. Like because you never know. Yeah. You never know when you're going to go. Yeah. I just feel like it's very important to continue to tell each other like I love you or you know, he's there for you. Exactly. Or always give somebody a hug. Whatever it may be. Yeah. Yeah. But I thought it was very powerful. And I feel like. I feel I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have had that experience. And that being, you know, a significant, like message, like it's crazy. Yeah. You never know. And I don't know if for some reason I felt like sending them the picture and like, it was crazy. It was for some reason my mom sent me that picture of the baby. Like it's crazy. Yeah. If you really think about it, like the synchronicity of all of the things like. And somehow, someway, like the universe knew that I needed that. Mhm. And it's just amazing to me because like. In my other life, I would be like. Like in pain. Devastated. Devastated. I just talked to him. Yeah. Did this have happened? Exactly. Yeah, exactly. In this life, I'm just like, wow. Like I was able to have a piece of his love and him saying that to me right before he passed. Like, what the fuck? Like that's amazing. And so I hold that light, that love to the max. And I'm hoping to share that with the world. Yeah, in my way you are. Yeah. Right now, yeah I see. Oh, thank you guys for if you stayed on this. Yeah. If you made it to the end and I didn't make you sign off. Oh, man. All right. Bye bye. Once again, guys, thank you for listening. If you gain something or feel inclined to share this episode, please do so. Go to our Instagram Deep Dive In podcast. That's dive in the I v I n and connect with us there comment share post. We appreciate the support so much and we will catch you on the next one. 

EP 48 | Going in Deep with Grief, and How it Turns Into Love

 Hey guys! Welcome to the Deep Dive In podcast with Nancy and Brenda. And we are back, baby. You just stared at me. You got it. I got it. I got it. Hey, babe. Hi. Hello. Okay, there we go. Hello. Hey, everyone. Everyone listening in? Thank you for being here with us. Um, today is, uh. It's not gonna lie. It feels a little weird for me. Mhm. Um, what is that today? Well, unfortunately, my cousin passed away on Friday. Mhm. Suddenly, um. Unexpected. Lee. And that's a word. Mhm. And it's crazy because it's like, it's a, uh, it's a roller coaster of emotions. And I think sometimes they come in like. In faces. Like we lost the day. Yeah. In waves throughout the day. So. So today, I mean, obviously, as you guys know, in our podcast, like, we're always sharing our lives and the things that we are currently going through. And we like to talk about those things and obviously a deep way. Right. And again, also bringing different like perspectives. So this is kind of going to be, you know, one of those episodes that um, I feel, um, is going to be sad because I feel like sadness comes with that grief, I guess, like the stigma of it. Right. Mhm. Um, you always associate one with the other. Yeah, I feel so. You automatically feel it. Yeah. When somebody says the word grief you just feel like, uh, the cloud come over you and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Or somebody tells you, you know, oh, you know, this person passed away or I lost this or whatever the, the grief or whatever it is that, you know, life has presented you with the situation. Um, yeah. You feel like the sadness of it all. Um, so I, I was saying, I was saying, like, it's just it may be a little somber. Yeah, right. Like just the tone. Because I feel like. I'm okay to talk about it, but then some like then I feel this like pain in my chest. It's still pretty raw. Yeah, yeah yeah. It's going to be a very raw episode. Ah, that's. Yeah, I said all of that for you to say that. You gave the definition. Yeah. Word. Yeah. Working backwards here, guys. Working backwards here. But my beautiful cousin was is an amazing person. Um, he was family first all the time. Um, his boys were his life, his family unit, like his wife, my aunt and his boys. Or my cousin. Actually, she would be my cousin. Um, it was his life. Yeah, he was very dedicated, very family man. He's a family man. And. Yeah, it's a hard one. It's definitely a hard one because he's very close to you guys. Yeah. To you too? Yeah. Um, his brother had recently passed away. My other cousin passed away in September. And I was there with him. You know, like going through that grief that was his only brother going through that loss. But I honestly like in having this conversation in this episode and talking about the grief and like that, what we go through as humans, um, when we do lose somebody or when we even when we lose like a relationship or even when we lose, like you said, a former person, a former, a former version of ourselves. Like all of those situations bring this grief moment. Yeah. Or grief, um, together. So I feel like for me, I understand or I see death differently than I did before. Obviously before it was just like, oh fuck. Like somebody passed away. And it was very painful and very hurtful. Like when my little cousin passed away. When I was 15 and I was very close to him. I felt like a victim because I felt like he was taken away from me. Yeah. You know. Yeah. And I was unfair. Right. And I understood. And I obviously didn't understand much then. Right. Um, and but that was my view. My point of view of death. Right. And, like, feeling like a victim because somebody was taken away from me. Mhm. And in. And now as an adult I'm an adult now I'm 40 years old guys. I was telling Brenda the other side note, I was telling Brenda the other day how uh, she was like, how do you feel, you know, being 40. And I'm like, honestly, I feel like I'm an adult now. Like, life is making sense, you know? And I'm taking my life in my own hands. You know, I'm following my passion is I'm learning and being aligned with who I am. Like, so I feel like I'm an adult now at 40. And I understand things well, understanding things and also being aware of like how we really actually take ourselves or put ourselves in this victim mentality. Mhm. Um, and then we keep living from there. Mhm. In all of the situations. Yeah. You know because we don't, we don't know any different. And once you start, like paying attention to those things or being aware of of yourself and who you are once you start like healing yourself and going through that process, I think is when you start learning the different ways of of reacting to the life experiences. Mhm. For example, like my cousin passing away suddenly hurts like it hurts because he's no longer physically going to be here. Right. But the way I see death now is like, I understand that I have to make a way for him like I have to. His soul is always going to be with me. His the memories and the and the like. Like. So I feel him, I feel him. Like sometimes I feel him. Like hugging me and stuff. Mhm. Like I still feel him. I'm always gonna feel him and I feel like that's. It's supposed to teach you or you, you're supposed to make way for them to their soul to go. To go on. Go on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because we were energies, right? Yeah. We're energies. Our bodies, like, are like how people, uh, believe in that. We have a soul, right? That's an energy. And so it's connected. It's tied to that person. You've built an energetic tie to that person. And what happens is, and I've when I say when I'm saying this, I'm saying this because of, um, previous experiences that like Reiki masters or Reiki practitioners have shared with me when they go to hospitals of people that are ready to leave this earth, that are ready to leave their body. Um, and so what I've, what I have heard is that when they go and like, do Reiki on the people that are ready to leave, a lot of the times what they find is that they are unable to make that transition back to where they came from, because the family here on Earth is still holding onto them. And so that's what I mean by the energetic tie. Right? And so, yes, like I told you, I'm like, you're going to be sad. You you need to allow yourself to feel that sadness and that heaviness of emotions that is going to come and go and come and go like waves in an ocean. Right? And a lot of the times people stop themselves from feeling that, and they try to move on so fast without really realizing that they could possibly not be allowing that person that passed on to fully like, just go and be right peacefully. Yeah, and it's very interesting to be here on this side as your partner, like supporting you through this experience for you, which you've been amazing, by the way. Oh, thanks. Because it's very difficult to see your partner like grieving. Right. And on my end, I've experienced grief in different ways. I have yet to experience it on actually physically losing somebody. And, um. That's so crazy. Yeah. And so that's actually one of the things that I wanted to ask you is like, how do you feel that this experience of grief. I understand that, um, we choose like, I believe that we choose when we want to leave. Yeah, our soul chooses where we want to leave because you've you have came all like you've you came. You completed your life experience in whatever moment. Yeah. For whatever reason, you chose that moment to leave. Um, and I believe that. Right? I believe that when anybody passes away, they chose to pass away. They they chose no matter how it was, whether they were killed, whether they were in an accident, like, no matter what it was, I believe that they chose for that to happen. Um, and I know it sounds crazy and I know, like, it's very, you know, out there. Yeah, but, I mean, you have to obviously, I say that and my belief in that is just based on, you know, um, doing my research, more research on, like, the afterlife and more research and people that I follow that I believe, you know, are doing great work in those fields and that share their experiences. Like you have people that channel and like, um, Reiki masters, right? That you that I follow that teach you like they teach these things like and how to open how open the energy field for their soul to transition because sometimes they also want to have connection with the life, like even though they chose to die in that moment, their connections to the physical person or like their loved ones, their kids, for example, like they establish these connections. So sometimes their their soul is connected to them and they're not allowing themselves to leave because, um, it's the connection that that was made. Yeah. And I mean, I don't know how else to explain it. It's very hard to explain if, if you're obviously this is also something, you know, a, a new way that I feel about death and these the, the experience of it all. Um. Or kind of just knowing this information now, like when my cousin passed away, when my other cousin passed away in September, um, I was I was at his casket, first of all, like before it was, it was like horrifying to me to see somebody, like, laying in the casket, like I would never go up. I remember you told me that, like, when we had first met. Yeah. I was like, oh, do you go see them? You're like, no, I would never know. And you had said, because you don't want to remember them. I don't yeah. And I and but also um, you see I have a big family. Yeah. Both my mom and my dad's side. Yeah. I feel like the four years that we've been together, you and I. Yeah. I mean, how many frickin funerals I have? I have I gone to, uh, like, every year there's unfortunately, you know, 1 or 2 family members that pass away like my uncle, but I close my grandma passed away like, close, obviously. Like, because I have a big family from both my mom and my dad's side. And so I have been. Presented or I have experienced death since I was little because like my grandma passed my mom's mom, she passed away when I was like 5 or 6 or something like that. Um, and we used to. And in Mexico, it was a thing for, um, like the family to stay, like, all night and, you know, like, stay. Yeah. So we would stay there with them in the casket open, uh, and I was like, 5 or 7, you know, like, I was little. And since then, um, like my mom, or they would make me, like, go see her, like, go see them. Uh, whether it be my grandma, my uncles, like, they wouldn't make us go see, like. No, like I'm like, well, no. Yeah. And it was just like a thing, you know? Yeah. And I had my experience. That was when I went to El Salvador for my great grandma's burial, and they drove on and, um. Yeah, her casket was there and it was at her house, and they had her in a casket in her house. Yeah. And I was like, oh, this is interesting. Yeah. Our experience but in our Mexican culture. It's crazy because I feel they like we make it horrifying because I know well, because like, um, I remember like when we when we would be there, like all night. Yeah, throughout the night, like my aunts or my cousins would start, like, saying scary stories and shit. Like it was horrifying. Oh my gosh. So I think it was a combination of all of that. That was like like I was horrified of, like death at that point because of all of these things. But I was saying when my cousin passed away in September, I was at his casket with my with my car, with my, um, cousin Frank that passed away on Friday like it was his brother, his only brother. And I was there with him and he was, like, touching him and like, he was like, touching his hair, like touching him. And I didn't feel scared at all. Yeah. Like I was there with him and I was telling him not to touch him. I'm like, bro, stop touching him. Um. And I didn't feel scared or I didn't feel like anything. Yeah, I felt the opposite, actually. I was holding his his presence in my heart like I was holding him. His love. Like. Like love. Yeah. You know, like. And kind of telling him, like, it's okay. Like you're. You're good. Now your family's going to be good. Kind of just in my mind and in my soul. And just, like, sending that vibration. Mhm. Um, in that, in that place because everybody's, you know like mourning. Yeah. Lots of sad grief and stuff. So I was trying to or I was like just sitting in love. Yeah. And I think that's the difference. You know, the difference is that when somebody passes away it hurts so much. Mhm. And we get stuck in that hurt in that sadness. Um, and we kind of distance ourselves from the love. Yeah. And There's I know that there's been some like I know for myself when my little cousin passed away when I was 15. I hold that grief for a lot of years and that I didn't know that I hadn't processed it. And it keeps you, like, in this loop of sadness and like, you don't know why your life is not moving forward or not moving on or you, you just stuck in a cycle, but you don't know that you're stuck. Yeah. And then when I started doing when I started my healing, my actual like, healing journey and looking in and like, understanding where all of this comes from or who I am and all of that I was able to see like, like, oh, shit. Like my, my little cousin played a part in my life. Mhm. And I've been holding his passing as something that happened to me instead of holding his life as something that happened for me, something that you got to experience. Exactly. Yeah. And I got to experience that love, that bond. Like. You know, with him and and his happiness and his his joy for life. Even though he was going through cancer at eight years old, he was eight, like he was little, going through surgeries and medical and like not being like having a tube on his throat, like all of these medical things. And he was just happy all the time. He was just so I'm like, holy. Like I got to experience that. Yeah, I think he wanted me to be there with him all the time. Um, and so I'm like, I got to experience that. And it was beautiful. Mhm. And so I think that's like the difference that yeah it sucks. It's sad. Like it's a pain. It's going to be there because of the connection right. That we have with with the people around us that we love. Um but it's, it's important for us to move from the sadness to the love. Yeah. And understand like. This person was in my life and they showed me love. And there was good times when we were together and we would, you know, we would joke around and we would like it was their presence. And our hanging out was amazing. Right. And I'm gonna hold on to that love and live from that. Yeah. And give that back to to whatever other relationships I have. Right. I think grief is a huge experience that us humans get to experience, because we really are here just to experience things. We're here to experience all of the emotions. And I think we tend to forget that sometimes because like you said, we feel that pain and we feel the the heartache, the all of the things. Right. And I like I read about grief, right. As far as like losing a loved one. I've experienced grief in different ways, but like one of the things that I read is that grief is the opportunity for you to transform that energy into love, to expand the capacity that you have to hold that emotion in your being and then transmute it into love. And because it's exactly how you're saying it's. Oh, shoot. I lost my little kid. Your little cousin? You're the cousin that just passed away, right? And what you are doing is you are giving yourself the opportunity to feel the sadness, the the ache that comes with losing the physical body. But now you're transmuting that into, oh my God, I got to experience their joy for love, for life. I got to experience their happiness. I got to experience, um, the love that they had for their family. Right. Um, or like your little cousin, the love that he had for you. Like, you got to experience that. And that is what I mean by now. You are transforming it into love. And that is what becomes a catalyst for your life. Um, if you if you allow yourself the opportunity to actually transform that and not, like you said, stay stuck in the pain or in the victim state. Because, for example, I've experienced grief after divorce, right? And because there's a grieving that comes with that and there's like a there is like this whole, um. There's this whole like, I don't even know how to explain it, but you grieve like the person that you were in that relationship and everything that was in that relationship. Right? And it's not even necessarily just for divorce, just like a romantic partnership or friendship in general. You grieve it. And so, like, I know grief from that standpoint because I had to, in a sense, grieve the relationship, but also grieve the person that I thought I had to be, but really was not me. Right. So that's also a grieving of a former self. And then there's also a grieving of like, oh shit, like the family stuff, right? Yeah. But there are a lot of people that stay stuck in the victim state of, well, now I'm a single mom and that has always been for me. I'm like, no, I will never be a person that says I'm a single mom because that to me is I am still telling myself that I am the victim of the choices that I chose to make. And it's like, I don't I don't want to put that label on myself like I'm not a single mom. I am a mother to my children. And that's it. And you mean so you mean like calling yourself like. Or putting that label on yourself? Pretty much signifies. Or kind of, like, comes with the energy of, like, I don't do it on myself. I have to okay. Got it. And it and that's like, that's not the case. Like, yeah, I understand there may be mothers out there that like they have their kids and they got out of a relationship and all that stuff, and they work to support their kids. And maybe they don't have anybody to help them with their kids. Right. But I feel that putting the word single on yourself pretty much confirms to your brain that, yes, you are single. And yes, nobody is here to help you. So you have to do it all yourself. And that is how I see that word. And so that's why I never said that. I never was like, I'm a single mom now. Like, no, like I'm like, I'm just a mom to my kids. Yeah. It's just putting another label on yourself. Yeah. You know, like, we already hold all these labels or whatever, but, like, I guess it's putting another label that and. Actually, it's actually more than a label to me. Yeah, to me it's more kind of like a negative connotation. Yeah. Yeah. Because you. Because, like, I'm very big on the subconscious in my brain and, like, what would I say? My brain believes. And that is how our brain works, by the way. It's not just like woo woo. Like it's science. And and so I remember when I had first gotten separated, I had told myself, I'm like, I'm not a single mom. Like, I'm a mom who's here to to support her kids and keep moving on with life. Yeah. But I feel like that's why life becomes so hard sometimes for women that are just with them and their kids, because they put that on themselves, like, oh, I'm a single mom and I have nobody to take care of my kids and all of the things and, you know, but and this could be a very. Yeah. Tough topic. Yeah. For people to see because everybody has their own perspective on it. Well, I think it's just like but it's my perspective. Yeah. Like in our society, it just got it picked up right? Yeah. Like people, women that got divorced or whatever. Like I'm a single mom or I'm a single dad. Yeah. Like, they they both hold the same, like, kind of label on themselves and kind of like a, um, I feel like a negative energy because you're kind of saying like, like, oh, there's nobody like you said, then nobody's there to help me out or whatever. But that's honestly like a whole another whole episode. We're talking about grief here. Yeah, babe. Yeah. Sorry. So you're excited about the single mom? Cause I want my women to be like. No, like I got this, you know, not from a hustle or, like, anything. But anyways, that'll be for another day, guys. Um. And so. Yeah, like grieving, but grieving the divorce relationship. Grieving the divorce relationship. But you know what, church. Here's one thing. That church. I'm like, okay, church. You know, one thing I learned about death in church, death was a very happy thing in church. Death was celebrated in church. And that's because they knew that their soul was going to heaven. Right. So because you went to church. Because I went to church. Right. So I went to church for the people that don't know. No. So. Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry to interrupt. Let me just get this straight. So when you're saying that in church, it like if a church member. Yes. Passed away? Yeah. Then the congregation. Yeah. Celebrated the death. The death? Because they knew that he was. He she was going to heaven because they were like church. They follow the church doctrine. Wow. Right. But how? I saw it. Because the first time I experienced the death was the death of one of the pastor's wives. Mhm. And it was like this huge celebration of life. Right? No they didn't, they had a choir. But it was this celebration of her life and what she did and who she was, and she was honored and remembered in so many ways. Yeah, right. And then at the end, like, everybody danced at the same time. They cried and everybody celebrated. And I remember being there like standing there. And I remember just looking at everybody because it was my first death that I had experienced like this. That you knew celebration, right? And I was like, wow. I said, this feels really good because it was morning, but in a different way. Yeah. And after, like, I left church, I like thought about that because I was like, oh my God. Like that was a celebration of their life and all of who they were here on earth. And now the people are like, yeah, they're sad because, like, she was, she was great. But they were like, I know where my mom is or I know where so-and-so is. And they had like that comfort of knowing that her soul was okay. And I think about taking that. But outside of the church religious aspect, if we were to see death in that same way and celebrate the life of the person when they have left the earth or their body, I should say like sitting in that comfort and the satisfaction and knowing that their soul is always there next to us. Yeah, because now they have become an ancestor. Right, right. They have transitioned into now being our ancestor and our guide or our guardian angel, and I think. That seeing it in that light completely changes it, at least for me. And 100%, I know you and I have talked about like, oh, if I like, I were to die when we're together, this is what I want, right? Yeah. And I'm like, I want people to have a party. Like, I want people to celebrate. And I like. And I feel like that's what our culture has transmuted to is celebration of life. Mhm. Because even people that are not in the church like, um, I've gone to celebrations of life. Yeah. That's obviously different than, you know, going to a funeral. Like. Yeah. Um, so yeah, I feel like our, our culture has kind of transitioned to just like the not focusing on just the passing away and like the, the sadness of it. Mhm. But I feel like there is like some people that do celebrations of life rather than because I, I agree like I feel for me like I would love, I would love people to fucking have a big ass party. Yeah. Like, I want you to have a big ass party with Mariachi Banda. I want you to go all out. Yeah. Not just, um, and, um. Yeah. And, like, be happy. Like, I don't want people to be sad. I mean, you say that like I know my cousin, for example, a bunch of, um. I know he like. I know he wants us to be like, we talked about this, actually. Oh, um, I know he would just want us to be happy. Like he wouldn't want us to be sad. Um. He wouldn't. Yeah. Um, but it's, you know, it's a natural thing for us to be sad. Yeah. Because we're it, it's it's sad. Mhm. Um, but I would want that same thing. I would want people like I know it's going to be sad you know, because I'm amazing. Duh. But I would want everybody to be happy. Yeah. But again it's, it's understanding. It's going from the sadness of losing somebody to going from the love and happiness of, um, experiencing or having that relationship with someone. Right? It's refocusing instead of like, feeling sad and, and, um, staying in that grief is kind of changing that to wow, I that was an amazing person. And I got to experience them and I got to share in that love. And then you and then you stay in that, um, like. I know that my cousin, my cousin's attributes and the person that he was is somebody that I aspire to be to the level of dedication that he had as a family man. I would like I want to hold those attributes. I look up to that. Mhm. With the girls for example. Mhm. You know like be there for them. Yeah. Show them new things and show them life things. Yeah. And and he taught me that. Mhm. And I look up for and I and it's like those things I feel is what we lose track of because we stay focused on the pain and the grief. Mhm. And like I said I think it's transitioning from being in pain and the hurt to like fuck. Like I know he's not physically here anymore and yeah fucking sucks and it hurts. But he left me so much. Mhm. And that's what I choose to focus on. Yeah. The fucking good times that we had, the love that he showed me and the attributes that I aspire to have that he demonstrated to me. Yeah. Like. Yeah. And I think it goes for. I think it goes for anything. Like for any like in your life experiences, you're going to lose people that you love. You're going to lose moms, dads, friendships, friendships, relationships that you thought were going to last forever. And it's gonna fucking hurt. Yeah, it's gonna fucking hurt. And sometimes you're not even going to understand it, and you probably will never understand it. But you have to carry or you have to understand that that experience happened to you for a reason. And you take what you learned from that experience, and you transmuted into just the love that you had and felt in that moment. And you live in that love and you demonstrate that love in your life to anybody else that comes across you. Yeah. And I think that's the most important thing, because with everything going on right now. Like, imagine if everybody just loved each other. Mhm. But there wouldn't be anything that we're going through right now. Mhm. Yeah. Like that's it. Yeah. And people say like oh you're so delusional thinking like oh if you just love each other. Well that's where the little shift needs to occur is in you actually believing and thinking like yes, we can all love each other. At the moment that everybody decides to, like, flip that switch and be like, yes, we actually can all love each other despite whatever, like things people use nowadays, right? Yeah. Um, then that's what starts to shift things. And that's the same with grief is. Yes. You experience the sadness. Yes. You let yourself cry. You let yourself, like, literally just sit there and just let the tears flow. And you allow yourself to move the emotion and the feeling through your whole being. And once you allow yourself to do that, then flip that little switch and think of the memory that they brought you of joy, the memory that they brought you of love, the memory of excitement, the memory of happiness that they brought to your being now. Yeah. And, um, and, and and the gratitude for the experience. Right. There's so many people that don't get to experience that they don't get to experience looking at the blue sky. They don't get to experience the wind brushing up against their skin. Right. Yeah. And so, like. It's that's when the flip of that switch occurs. And you that is what is called the transmuting of grief into love. And you further expanding your capacity for grief. And now, in a sense, like, I know it sounds weird, but like you'll be able to handle more of it the more you allow yourself to do that. Yeah, definitely don't want to handle anymore, but I'm just kidding. But I understand it's for my greater extension. Human experience. Human experience 101. Yeah, yeah. Like you, when these things happen, like I feel depending on where you are in your, in, in your life, I feel or depending on how you view life. Right. Yeah. Because it really comes from that like all of the experiences that we occur, whether it be losing somebody or whether it be getting a flat tire, like your reaction to those things, they're always going to be the way your life is. Yeah. Like if you think about it, the way you react to the life experience and the things that come your way, however bad or good they are. Mhm. Like that's the way your, your life is. Mhm. So if you're reacting to a flat tire like a victim and like why is this happening to me. Like I mean I know that it sucks. Yeah. That's the thing. Like you can be in that human experience and be like fuck this sucks. But don't get stuck. There is the thing. Yeah. And I think that's the biggest part of the life experiences that we go through is I feel that. The not getting stuck is the most important piece of the lesson. Mhm. Because if you just get stuck there you're never going to continue to evolve. Like you're going to continue to like have the same thing happen to you because you're just stuck in this sadness and victim mentality and like and you're stuck in that. Mhm. Once you start seeing life in a form of expansion and not saying like, why is this happening to me? And you start saying like, what am I to learn from this. Mhm. You see the two different questions there. Why. What am I to learn from this. Yeah. What is what is trying to what is how is my life trying to expand right now because of this situation. You know so you start like I, I start moving differently and I start living my life differently because of these questions that I'm asking myself now are more for expansion, because I understand that everything that's happening in my life and the experiences that I'm going through are to help me be a better version of myself. That's right. And so when you start living life in that way. As hard as it may seem because you just love somebody that you loved physically. Mhm. Like you, you start your life starts being different. Yeah. You start flowing different. Yeah. I know my cousin is going to be with me forever. And it's crazy because his last message to me was on Thursday. The Friday before that he passed. Um, and he, I sent him a picture that my mom sent me when I was a little baby, and my grandma was holding me, and my cousin was standing right next to my grandma. And I told him, I'm like, look, you you were there with me since I was little or since I was a little baby. Yeah. And then he was like, he put, oh, that's my Nana. And then he's like, he's like, I will be there always. Because no matter what. That's his last message to me. Thursday at 7:46 p.m.. He passed away. Friday at 11:52 p.m.. What a fucking message. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like forever? Yes. That's a moment in life. In time. The last thing that he. Said to me and he shared with me, just confirms the love that we could share with each other. Mhm. You know. Mhm. Like because you never know. Yeah. You never know when you're going to go. Yeah. I just feel like it's very important to continue to tell each other like I love you or you know, he's there for you. Exactly. Or always give somebody a hug. Whatever it may be. Yeah. Yeah. But I thought it was very powerful. And I feel like. I feel I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have had that experience. And that being, you know, a significant, like message, like it's crazy. Yeah. You never know. And I don't know if for some reason I felt like sending them the picture and like, it was crazy. It was for some reason my mom sent me that picture of the baby. Like it's crazy. Yeah. If you really think about it, like the synchronicity of all of the things like. And somehow, someway, like the universe knew that I needed that. Mhm. And it's just amazing to me because like. In my other life, I would be like. Like in pain. Devastated. Devastated. I just talked to him. Yeah. Did this have happened? Exactly. Yeah, exactly. In this life, I'm just like, wow. Like I was able to have a piece of his love and him saying that to me right before he passed. Like, what the fuck? Like that's amazing. And so I hold that light, that love to the max. And I'm hoping to share that with the world. Yeah, in my way you are. Yeah. Right now, yeah I see. Oh, thank you guys for if you stayed on this. Yeah. If you made it to the end and I didn't make you sign off. Oh, man. All right. Bye bye. 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